The Rangers of NIMH MiSTed by Håkan Svensson with contributions from Kevin A. Pezzano Comments are welcome and will be forwarded to Kevin. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- W A R N I N G This MiSTing is rated FANFIC-14 for mild cursing and because the original story is so bad that it will scar your children for life if they read it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Season 7 opening sequence. Cut to the interior of the SoL, showing Mike asleep. He is twisting and turning, since some sound is bothering him. Finally, he gets up to investigate the source of the sound. It is coming from the theater! Mike enters the theater to see it running, with Crow sitting alone inside.] MIKE: Crow, what are you doing in the theater this early on a saturday? CROW: Hey, bots need no sleep! MIKE: Yeah, but orgos do. CROW: Anyway, the Mads fixed the theater so that it can show television shows, too. Remember? MIKE: Don't remind me. I'm still recovering from the reruns of "The Incredible Hulk." CROW: Yeah, but some of the stuff they show on saturday mornings is really pretty good. MIKE: Crow. You're watching *cartoons*? CROW: Hey, Mike! They're fun! Haven't you ever wanted to recapture the child inside? MIKE: Sure, if you like being childish... [A yellow light turns on inside the theater.] MIKE: The hell... What could Wakko and Dot be wanting at this time of day? [Deep 13, projected on the theater screen] PEARL: Clayton! CLAYTON! DR. F: [off screen] In a minute, mother! PEARL: Clayton, if you plan to destroy the wills of your test subjects by waking them up early in the morning, you shouldn't be watching "The Little Mermaid - the series" when you call them! DR. F: [off screen] It's soon over! PEARL: [sighs] He can be such a child at times. If you want something done properly... [SoL] [Lights, buzzers, general mayhem.] TOM: NOOO! I'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ] [Tom flies into the theater and is helped by Mike to get into his seat.] TOM: What are you two doing in here already? MIKE: I'll explain later. > FoxFire Studios and Company (MechTail waves) MIKE: Hopefully, MechTail is hit by a tsunami. > Presents > > A Firestorm FanFict CROW: Guaranteed to burn you out before the end of the first chapter! > > "The Rangers of NIMH" TOM: If this is a Babylon 5 / The Secret of NIMH crossover, I'm going to be violently ill. MIKE: What if it's a Secret of NIMH / Mighty Morhpin' Power Rangers crossover? CROW: [retches] TOM: Great. We're not even through the opening credits and Crow is puking already. > > By Paul Lapansee TOM: [retches] MIKE: Wasn't his name "Lapensee" last time? > and David Gonterman TOM: It's two bad writers that go worse together! > > Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers by The Walt Disney Company CROW: Oh, I like that show. Perhaps this won't be so bad after all. MIKE: You liked the "Sonic the Hedgehog" cartoon, too. CROW: Yeah. MIKE: Then you read "MechTail." CROW: Yeah. MIKE: Then you destroyed your Genesis and burnt your Sonic plushie. CROW: Yeah. > Any attempts of lawsuit from The Walt Disney Company > *will* result in the immediate roboticization of their > entire cartoon population, starting with Mickey!! TOM: We're not even past the copyright notices and these guys are already in their own little world! MIKE: Not a good sign at all. > Jonathan Brisby and The Firestorm Imprint by David Gonterman TOM: Please. One fanfic is plenty. > The Secret of NIMH a Don Bluth Production which is based upon the book > Mrs. Frisby (Brisby) and the rats of NIMH by Robert C. O'Brien CROW: Soundtrack available from Polygram Records. > Clarice like Foxglove only appeared once in a Chip 'N' Dale original call > Two Chips and a Miss (1951) man that is a long time ago... TOM: So we're getting an obscure bit character who only appeared once elevated to heroine status? Where have we seen *that* before? > > > Watching the movie it helps you understand what is going on. CROW: Reading this story will *not* lead to any such insights. > > Just a thought, why is Gadget so smart? TOM: If he's so smart, why does he need to be rescued by his dog and his daughter all the time? > > _______________________ CROW: Well, this is it. We're going to die. MIKE: Look on the bright side, Crow. At least this one can't possibly be any worse than "Mechtail." > > The Ranger's where flowing a leaded of break-ins. [Awed silence, then:] MIKE: Now *that's* a way to kick off a story! TOM: [starts shuddering] Duh... No sense making... Must... find... sense... CROW: Hold me, Mike. I'm scared. > Some one was > stealing medical equipment, TOM: [recovering] Well, that rules out the twos and the rest of the numbers. MIKE: Hold your grammar flames, Tom. I have a feeling you'll be needing them later. > after seeing how the equipment was stolen > it could only be... MIKE: Green Goblin? TOM: Megavolt? CROW: Victor Eugene Tooms? > > "Nimnul" Chip said as he look at the shattered door. MIKE: Oh. CROW: That would have been my second guess. > > "Too right Chip. TOM: [Dale] I hate it when you are right! You are always right! > Only a nut like him would do this." Monty > said. > > Gadget looked around. "I looks like he was only after some > medical reports." They looked at the toppled over cabinets. MIKE: Red hot cabinet-peepin' action! > > Dale picked up a piece of paper. "Hey guys, I think I found > something." TOM: [Dale] Look! It's the script! CROW: [Chip] Ehhh, just throw it away. > > Gadget grabbed it. "Hmm It has something to do with lady dying > of brain cancer and being cured after being bitten by a rat. CROW: No, no, no! It was a young boy, and he was cured by receiving postcards! > Strange > all the files stolen where of strange cases involving rats." TOM: Excuse me, exactly how do they know what was in the *missing* files? CROW: Perhaps Gadget is really Nimnul! MIKE: Nah. That would be a plot twist, and I have a feeling we won't be seeing any of those. > > "Rats how do rats fit into this." Chip scratched his head. CROW: Not that well, but I guess you could use vaseline. > "Nimnul's been stealing Medical Equipment all this time. Why would > he steal old files?" CROW: Because has run out of toilet paper? > > Dale looks sleepy. "Chip can we go home now there's nothing > else to look at?" MIKE: [Chip] I don't know. Why don't we look at the cabinets some more? > > Monty yawns. "Dale right lad we need some sleep. We can figure > this out tomorrow." TOM: Figure out the plot? MIKE: Sorry. Can't be done. > > Chip looked frustrated. "All right, all right we'll look into > it tomorrow." CROW: Because we all know that there's no time like tomorrow to examine a crime scene. > > They head back to ranger headquarters. MIKE: Well, that was a thrilling bit of detective work. > _______________________________ > > Deep in underground in a city of Rats, there is a middle age rat > sitting in a chair. Life was good for them easy access to the city > resources. TOM: They had to pay through the nose to get such a nice place in the sewers. > > The rat frowned a bit. He wanted so much for them to live > without stealing. They tried once. But a flood nearly killed them > out in forest, so they came to the city. MIKE: Well, I can see how... huh? CROW: So... Stop stealing, and get caught by a flood in the forest? That's right up there with the Twinkie Defense! > Yes as long as they stayed > underground things where all right. MIKE: Huh? Who's narrating here? TOM: Even the authors don't know! > > But a few went up into the city to get food and some never came > back. CROW: Thank you, Mr. Exposition. > > A strange-looking mouse wearing a red amulet walked up to him. MIKE: I heard somewhere that Ms. Brisby shares her first name with Mr. Spock. TOM: Huh? > > "It's good to see you again, Jonathan," The rat said. ALL: WHAT? CROW: Great. More resurrections of dead characters. I'm still recovering from when Meaghan brought back Scar from the dead. > > The mouse brushed aside his rather punk-style hair. "Justin, I > heard you were looking for me." MIKE: I know we never get to see him except as a very young mouse, but I *still* have problems picturing Jonathan Brisby with punk-styled hair! > > He smiled. The rat sat up. TOM: Did he stand down after that? > "Yes I was. We have a problem." CROW: [Justin] I thought the Conley sequels were bad enough, but this fanfic is a CRISIS! > _______________________________ > > The next day the Rangers where siting around a table trying to > figure out there next move. TOM: Disgusted by his defeat at the hands of Deep Blue, Kasparov challenges two chipmunks, two mice, and a fly! > > "Well, we can either wait for Nimnul to strike next or find him > before he does." Chip said. MIKE: Yep, those seem to be the options. > > Gadget looked at Chip. "He would need a big place to hold all > that equipment. Maybe if we check out some old factories he could be > hiding out in one of them." TOM: I wouldn't think so. How would he get power to his machines? MIKE: He's a bad guy. They always manage to get electricity to condemned buildings. > > There was a knock at the door. CROW: A shot rang out! The woman screamed! > > "I get it." Dale said. > > He opened it. MIKE: Dazzling narratorial technique here. TOM: No kidding! This is the literary equivalent of Hal Warren directing. CROW: You call this "literary"? > > "Can I help you?" > > There stood a rather handsome-looking mouse in a black vested > jumper with white sleeves and red-and-white checkered collars, and > wearing a sparkling red amulet. He quietly entered the room and > smiled. TOM: [Dale] He's dreamy! CROW: Hey! How'd he get from strange-looking to handsome with just a scene change? > "Actually it is I who can help you." MIKE: [Jonathan] With our new Orrick XL vacuum! Is the mouse of the house at home? > ____________________________________ > > "Who are you?" CROW: [deep voice] I'm Batman! MIKE: Apparently it took Dale an entire chapter break to say something. > > "The name's Jonathan Brisby. I came from a rat village around > town. It appears that both of us are on the same case, and I thought > we could compare notes." TOM: D flat. MIKE: G sharp. > > "Oh. Sure, come on in." [All boggle] CROW: Sure! We believe you right off the bat! Come on in! > > "jonathan brisby, eh? the name sounds familiar," said the large > Australian mouse at the back. CROW: Oh my God, it's "The Rescuers Down Under"! BOTS: NOOOOOOOOO!!! MIKE: I think the author means Monty, guys. > > Chip looked at him. "You said that you are working on a case > like ours, just how do you know, we never met before. TOM: He peeked through a plot hole. > Do you belong > to a group like ours?" CROW: No, he's Bluth, they're Disney. > > Jonathan looked at him. "I have a lot of friends who have told > me things about your group. As for you other question, No. I > usually work alone." MIKE: Jonathan Brisby: Mouse Detective. > > "Then why ask us?" TOM: Why ask why? > > "Well I a.. CROW: Ia! Ia Cthulhu! MIKE: Hey, stop that! > It's kind of.. I need help, CROW: For my stuttering. > this case has left me > puzzled." > > Chip shows the new guy around: "Well you have come to the right > place. My name is Chip, That's Monterey Jack--don't strain your > brain remembering, monty--, TOM: I know Monty is thick, but surely he can remember *his own name*? CROW: Tell that to Stephen "Ratlif" and Paul "Lapanse." > that's Zipper, he's Dale and..." > > Jonathan wasn't listening at that point. He was locked in a > gaze with the girl mouse. TOM: [singing] Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you... > > "h-hello, there," she said. "I'm Gadget. Gadget Hackwrench." CROW: Shaken, not stirred. > > "Charmed," Jonathan held out his paw. Gadget blushed slightly > and stretched out her paw to his. CROW: Where it promptly came off in her hand! TOM: That Jonathan and his fake paw gags! Heh! > > When she took it, his amulet that hung from his neck glowed-- TOM: Gadget took Jonathan's amulet? CROW: I told you she was really Nimnul! > slightly, but for all to notice. Jonathan looked self-consciously at > the rock. MIKE: Is he old enough to watch that kind of movie? > "You've got to excuse me. I got this amulet from my great > -grandfather from his adventures from NIMH. TOM: This story is about Jonathan Brisby's *great grandson*? CROW: Oooh. Now I *really* hate this fanfic! > It gets this way when it > senses someone with courage and . . . character . . . and stuff MIKE: So... It's a mystic amulet that does... stuff. TOM: Seems like it. CROW: Uh huh. > [turns to amulet] MIKE: Whoa! Neat trick! > Back to bed, you." CROW: If you're lucky, the authors won't read you a bedtime story. > > It shut itself off. TOM: Cool. A snooze button. > > "*NIMH!!*" Monty's brain finally clicked in. TOM: Well, it only took two seasons. > "You're great- > grandfather, does he have the same name--" TOM: [Monty] --as an evil research group performing unethical animal experiments? CROW: His parents must really have hated him. > > Gadget was struck by the word NIMH as well . . . MIKE: [Gadget] Ow! > something from > her past . . . something she couldn't quite put her finger on. CROW: Mice have fingers? MIKE: In animation, four on each paw. > > "Yes, he does. You've heard of him, I see." > > "Do I ever?! JB, your great-grandpappy's an legend . . ." MIKE: Starring Richard Dean Anderson. > > ------------------------ > > The Rescue Ranger's sat around the table and listened to Monty > telling them what he knew of the original Jonathan Brisby. TOM: Wouldn't Jonathan Jr. know more about his ancestor than Monty? MIKE: Try not to think. That makes it easier. > > "Oh come, Monty! MIKE: [Facing Crow] No way. > Are you saying that ordinary rats became super > intelligent because of some experiment?" MIKE: Maybe they should have tried that experiment on the authors. TOM: Hey! Who's talking here? > > "That's what I heard mate's I wasn't there but.. [He looked at > Gadget.] I have heard stories." TOM: [Gadget] They're all lies! I never worked in Vegas! > > Gadget looked at Chip. "As strange as it may seem Chip. The > reports stolen had to do with rats and knowing Nimnul anything is > possible." MIKE: Except the chance that we might see some decent writing. > > Jonathan repeated the name. "Nimnul...Nimnul now where have I > heard that name before, just who is this guy?" TOM: Oh, Just your everyday evil but easily defeated villain. Every series has to have one. > > There was a knock at the door. Chip stood up. "I get the door > guys." CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: It's the feeling you've been somewhere or done something before. TOM: At least it wasn't double spaced this time. > Gadget explained there adventures with Nimnul while Chip > answered the door. MIKE: [Chip] Hey, pizza's here! Who ordered the acorn? > "Dale come quick there's letter its for both of us." TOM: One more sentence like that and my parser will explode! > Chip > sounded excited and Dale ran up. "Do you think it's it?" "Well > there RAS logo on it." Chip said. They both read the letter. CROW: The letter "A", not knowing the rest of the alphabet. > The > group watched as the two chipmunks jumped around like they won the > lottery or something. "Yes!" Chip yelled CROW: [Chip] We may already have won a million dollars! Woohoo! > > "Crikey mates, what's the letter say? Don't leave us in the > dark." TOM: Attributions, anyone? MIKE: Magic Voice gets a lot of lines in this fanfic. MAGIC VOICE: Leave me out of this! > > "It's a letter from the Rescue Aid Society. They have two > openings in this area MIKE: I don't want to know about openings in the area, thank you very much. > and guess who they wanted to fill the > positions?" Chip said with a smirk. CROW: Mulder and Scully? MIKE: Murtaugh and Riggs? TOM: Somerset and Mills? > > "You two?" Gadget said. ALL: Oh. > > "Yeper's Gadget." Dale said. MIKE: I don't want to know about Yeper's gadget, thank you very much. > > There was silence. Jonathan watched as their face's dropped. > Gadget sniffed back her tears. Jonathan gave her a gentle tap on the > sholder and a look of sympathy. Zipper landed on Monty's. CROW: On Monty's WHAT? > > "I'm happy for you guys." Gadget said. Chip's face also shared > in the sadness. TOM: Are they happy or sad? I'm confused! MIKE: Join the authors. > > "Well I.. the letter says we have a week to decided so maybe we > can solve this case before then." They nodded. CROW: ...off to sleep, bored almost to death by the story. TOM: SLEEEEP! > > "Sorry to brake the mood guys MIKE: Oh, I don't think it can get much slower. > but I think I know where Nimnul is > going to strike next," Jonathan said looking at a map. TOM: SO WHY DID HE NEED HELP FROM THE RESCUE RANGERS? MIKE: Tom, remember what I said about thinking? > > "Where?" Jonathan pointed to a building. "There is more then > one branch in this country MIKE: No wonder, with all the forests. > and all the places that where hit have > contracts with The National Institute of Mental Health." > > "N-I-M-H" Gadget said. > > "Got it in one, Gadget. CROW: I could tell that this story was going to be crappy in one sentence! > NIMH." > ________________________________ > > Nimnul is seen working on some equipment. TOM: By whom? Big Brother? > > "Oh yes just a few minor adjustments and..[The factory's lights > turn on.] Tada.. not even the power company can stop me. MIKE: Oh, so he just convinced the electrons to take the scenic route. > He he > he." He walks over to a computer. CROW: [Nimnul] Now to download some nude pictures of Jasmine! Heh heh heh... > > "Now let me see who next?" He taps in some commands and a map > appears on the screen. A flashing red box appears over a building. CROW: I hate to bring this up, but is this supposed to be a script or a story? MIKE: Yes. > "Oh yes. Now if I remember correctly the building has a type 5 > alarm system. This calls for plain E.. TOM: ...from outer space! CROW: Right now I would be happier watching an Ed Wood movie. > he he he E as in Earthquake > ha ha ha haaa." MIKE: You know, it really is funny when you think about it. Heh. TOM: Oh, shut up, Nelson! > _____________________________ > > Back at the Ranger Tree. Gadget is seen making some minor > adjustments on the Ranger Wing. CROW: Installing a Hindenburg barbecue set. > > Jonathan looks at the plane in amazement. "Gadget, who built > this?" > > "I did." She said from under the plane. > > "You did?" CROW: I did. TOM: You did? CROW: I did? TOM: You did? CROW: I did. MIKE: Okay, that's enough of that. > > "Actually I built it according to one of my fathers blue prints. MIKE: [Gadget] He dipped his paws in ink and walked over a piece of paper. > He use to designed planes in his spare time." She slid out from > under it. > > Jonathan grabbed her paw and helped her to her feet. "Your > father must have been very smart. I would like to meet him one day." > > "Gadget's father is dead, mate." Monty said as he walked up. TOM: Oooh... awkward! > > "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." > > "It's ok. This is my family now." Her ears dropped as she > remember about Chip and Dale. CROW: Mike, I'm confused. Is this story written in the past or present tense? MIKE: Yes. > > Chip walked out side. "You guys ready?" TOM: [Gadget] Watch where you step, I just dropped my ears! > > They nodded and hoped into the plane. Jonathan sat beside > Gadget to much of Chip's regret. MIKE: Yes, but how did the REST of Chip feel? > The plane lifted off the ground and > zipped away with the Rangers. TOM: [singing] Zipp-a-dee-doo-daa, Zip-a-dee-yay... > > "Wow-whee, Gadget," Jonathan said as they flew off. "This is > some plane. There are some rats I know that would just like to meet > you!" CROW: In a dark alley. Alone. > > "That reminds me, mate: What happened to the Rats after they > broke out of NIMH?" TOM: So, Monty knows everything about Jonathan Brisby the First, but not what happened to the rats? MIKE: It's just a fanfic. You should really just relax. > > "It's a long story, Monty. After a while outside of captivity, > they believed that they have become smart enough to live > independently of human's . . . er, can we say, 'benefits?'" ALL: "Benefits!" MIKE: [Mr. Rogers] That's good! I knew you could. Now, can you say "Deoxyribonucleinic acid"? > > "HA!! That's a nice way of telling us that they don't wanna > *steal* anymore!" MIKE: The rats are welfare queens! Sheesh! CROW: Yeah, just wait'll Rush hears about this! > > Jonathan held up a finger. TOM: Can he *do* that in a cartoon? > "I quote our first leader, the Late > Nicodemus: CROW: [Nicodemus] That damn alarm clock! Always making me late! > 'We can't live as rats anymore. We *know* too much.' So > we perused this dream of ours, with variable degrees of success. The > Rats trekked out MIKE: They watched all eight Star Trek movies on end. > to The Thorn Valley Reservation Park, and builded > our little civilization from there." TOM: Copyright Sid Meier. > > "Thorn Valley. I heard that place got dammed up four years > back." > > "Yeah. That almost flooded us. TOM: And exactly when did the Brisbys move to Thorn Valley with the rats? CROW and MIKE: Fanboy! Faaanboy! > We had to move the entire city > to higher ground. Also had to split off several parties to build new > villages." CROW: [Jonathan] Cause the neighbors were complaining about the loud music and stuff. > > "Jonathan," Gadget asked, "We've read about a brain cancer > patient getting cured by a bite from a rat. Is that because of those > experiments at NIMH?" TOM: Well, THAT treatment will have a tough time getting approval from the FDA! > > "Mmmm. Brain Cancer, you say?" Jonathan scratches his chin > "It could be. CROW: [Jonathan] That might be why I have this splitting headache all the time. > The Rats have top scientists of their own figuring out > exactly *what* NIMH did to them. Their reports say that the NIMH > experiments had to do about finding a cure for brain damage, > retardedness, learning disabilities, MIKE: Bad fanfics. > and what other stuff to that > account. TOM: Of course, no stupidity means no politicians, so the project had to be canceled. > What they have in their formulas is something that not just > repair damaged brain cells but enhances already healthy brain matter > to, shoot, I don't know." CROW: Homicidal brain matter? > > "Golly" Gadget said as JB got to this point. She was drifting > off into her own thoughts, TOM: As opposed to somebody else's thoughts? > pausing just to listen to Jonathan > describe the NIMH experiments. As a child--she could barely > remember--she could hear her father talk about being caught in a lab > at one time. CROW: Poor guy must have been a CS student. > She didn't care about it then, but now? Did Geegaw > Hackwrench came from the National Institute of Mental Health? TOM: Read the book! > Is he > one of those legendary 'Rats of NIMH?' And what does this mean to > her? Is *this* why she's one of the brighter mice in the city? MIKE: And what about Scarecrow's brain? > > "I don't know about you, mates, but I do hope NIMH *kept* that > formula. If their test subjects can learn how to read, break out of > their labs on their own, go off to some forest and build their own > civilization, I'd say *that* could be a sign that they're doing > something *right!!*" MIKE: Which is a good way for a governmental institute to be removed. > _______________________ > > "There it is." The ranger plane few up to a building that > looked like a small hospital. "Nice big place they have here." CROW: Big? Small? YOU decide! > Monty said. JB looked down. "NIMH must be doing well these days. > I remember hearing once that they almost went bankrupt because of > budget restraints. There was also something about a guy trying to > take the credit for some of their discoveries. He ended up in a > mental institution." TOM: The National Institute for Mental Health? > The ranger plane landed on the roof. > > "OK guys lets find a way in. If Nimnul strikes again well be > here to stop him. Dale you stay here." MIKE: Stay! Good Dale! > > "Aw come on, Chip. I don't want to miss out on the fun." Dale > said. > > "Dale, we need a look out. If you see Nimnul give us a shout on > the radio." CROW: And now, on KMUS radio, Tears for Fears. > > Dale agreed and sat on the Ranger Wing. The rest of them looked > around. TOM: But... Didn't they make *Dale* the lookout? MIKE: That way lies madness. > > "Hmm all the vents have screens on them. I guess they don't > want any small visitors." Jonathan said smiling like he was not > surprised. TOM: And how do you smile like you're not surprised? > > "No problem mates just give me a crack at it." The large mouse > grabbed a hold of the screen and pulled. The screen slowly gave way > and popped out of its socket. > > "Man, and I though Brutis was strong." MIKE: But Popeye kept beating him up. > > The group tied a rope and slid down the shaft. Dale watched > them disappear from view. "There the go again with out me.. One day > I'll show Chip." CROW: [Dale] ...my collection of baseball cards. > He sighed as the sun started to set. "Where are > you?..." He said looking at the sky. TOM: [Dale] Oh please, Hale-Bopp aliens! Come soon! > > ---------------------- > > The group quietly walked through the heat vents. It's a good > thing it's not winter. MIKE: Well, that's a good observation! Now, back to the story. > They came across a computer room and looked > out of the vent. > > Two humans where working with VR equipment manipulating DNA > strings on the computer screen. "OK Frank, I think I got the > sequences right." ALL: *Frank*? CROW: What are the Rescue Rangers doing in Deep 13? > The other human removed his helmet and walk up to > the computer. "Yes the computer is now saving it and sending it to > the main frame. The human took his helmet off. TOM: As opposed to removing his helmet? CROW: The helmet so nice, he took it off twice! > "Good." He looked > at the clock. "Well we're already 1 hour late. So we better go > before they lock up." TOM: It doesn't take *that* long for Windows to lock up. CROW: Bite me, Macboy! > The computers where turned off and they > walked out the door. MIKE: The computers of Baba Yaga. > > Jonathan looked at Chip. "OK, now what?" > > "We wait. If Nimal is going to strike, TOM: He will sing the title theme to "The Neverending Story". > he usually waits until > after closing time." CROW: Most robbers do, generally. > > Jonathan looked at the computer and got an idea. "Monty can you > help me open this vent." MIKE: Well, that's a good idea! Beats walking through a closed vent. > > The two mice popped the vent open and walked into the room. JB > looked around. "Nice set up." He hopped on all fours and climbed > up the chair. > > "Hey what are you doing?" Chip yelled out. CROW: [Jonathan] Hopping on all fours. Whee! It's fun! > > "Just getting some info which may help us." He said looked > down from the chair. He found the on switch. 'CLICK' The computer > came to life. TOM: [Hal] I am ready for my first lesson. > > "Golly Chip he's even good at computers." Gadget said looking > up. MIKE: He knows where the on switch is, and he's good at computers? CROW: Beats most AOLers. > > "More like a computer geek." Chip said under his breath. > > "Aha UNIX... hmm I'm a bit rusty but.." TOM: [falsetto] I know this! It's a UNIX system! > 'tap, taps, tap, tap..' > 'Beep.' "Darn that didn't work." 'tap, tap, taps, Beep!' "Fine be > that way!" TOM: The Rescue Rangers' investigation is brought to a screeching halt by Microsoft Windows 95. > > Chip scratched his head. CROW: [Makes sound of vinyl record scratching] > > Gadget half understood what he was doing. "Chip, look around to > see if they have a list of passwords around here." MIKE: Look for the drawer labeled "plot device." > > Zipper was already on it. He dived into a drawer TOM: 8.5. MIKE: 8.0. CROW: 6.5. > and pulled out > a slip of paper. > > "Find me *any* human who keeps their passwords safe," Jonathan > smirked, "even biogenetic scientists?" CROW: Well... Most people who aren't in a fanfic or movie. > > He typed in. 'Just a sec.' TOM: THAT'S the password?! > > The computer screen blurred as information zipped by. Beep > Access Granted. MIKE: Beep access? CROW: Yeah, he's trying to access the [beep] files. MIKE: You, Sir, are headed for a time out. > > "Access profile on subject" > > A picture of a younger looking Nimnul appeared on screen. CROW: In profile. > > "Crikey that's Nimnul. What does it say." > > Jonathan slapped himself on the face. "Now I remember! MIKE: [Jonathan] I can't read! > Nimnul. > Professor Norton Nimnul. He was the guy who wanted credit from NIMH. > He was on the same team that experimented on..." The door opened, > two guards walked in waving flashlights around. "Halt! you... > mice???" TOM: Guys, this is just too stupid! CROW: Yeah. Corporate security guards regularly attempt to arrest and book mice running around the building. > > "RUN FOR IT!" Chip screamed. > > Jonathan did a quick tap on the computer and jumped off the > chair and dashed for the vent with the others. The guards looked at > each other. "Hey Fred, let's keep this to our selves. I don't think > anyone would believe us ." TOM: [Sarcasm sequencer] No, of course no one would believe that there were mice running around NIHM. After all, that has *never* happened before! > The guard looked at the computer screen > and saw this message just a second before the screen went blank: CROW: It is now safe to turn off your computer. > > WE'VE DONE IT, PINKY!! JUST ANOTHER STEP ON OUR QUEST TO TAKE > OVER THE WORLD--BRAIN MIKE: [Singing] If I only had a Brain... CROW: If only the *authors* had one! > > Jonathan snickered as he brought up the rear up the vent. "I'd > like to see Warner Brothers explain *that!* Too hot shot lab rats > still stuck in their cages thinks they can take it over? *HA!!!*" TOM: Crow, are you pondering what I'm pondering? CROW: Egad, I think so, Tom, but I don't think fanfic authors are fair game now that the hunting season is over. > > "Hah-hah-hah" Monterey slapped Jonathan on the back. "I like > your style, kid!" TOM: [bursts out crying] Mike, I just can't take any more! Make it stop! MIKE: I think we need a break... [They leave the theater.] [Interior, SoL] TOM: Urgh. This is shaping up to be a really bad one. CROW: Tell me about it. MIKE: Come on, guys. Show a little optimism! Sure, the grammar, spelling and plot are the worst we've encountered yet, but that only means that it can't get much worse. Besides, Crow, I thought you *liked*... Hey, has the mads light been on all this time? [Mike presses the light.] [Deep 13] DR. F: Ah, there you are, my little lab rats! You certainly took some time to answer my call. Well, that doesn't matter, since the experiment I'm about to inflict on you today is perhaps the most diabolically evil I've sent you yet. But first... A small invention that is certain to give me control of the world! [SoL] MIKE: Hold on... I thought we stopped doing the invention exchange. [Deep 13] DR. F: Yes, I know, but since nothing you could produce could ever match the ingenuity of my invention, it would be hopeless for you to even try. [SoL] MIKE: Well, actually, I *did* come up with something. We don't get much to eat here on the satellite, but we seem to manage anyway. TOM: We don't give that much thought. MIKE: So, to be able to make some food, I came up with the Crow-O-Matic 2000! [Mike shows Crow to Cambot. Crow's claws have been relaced with a knife on one arm and a grater on the other.] MIKE: Yes! The Crow-o-Matic 2000 chops, slices, dices, shreds, grates, blends, and much more! TOM: The Crow-o-Matic 2000 just wants to be your friend! MIKE: And the Crow-o-Matic 2000 is completely safe to the environment! TOM: Too bad it's the environment of Venus. CROW: Hey! MIKE: Here's a demonstration of just one of the things you can do with your Crow-o-Matic 2000! [Mike turns Crow upside down and places his head in a bowl of liquid.] MIKE: Yes, the Crow-o-Matic 2000 is the most powerful mixer you've ever used! [Mike presses a button on Crow and his head starts spinning. As Crow's head gains momentum, the liquid starts splattering all over Mike and Tom.] MIKE: Of course, there are still a few bugs left to work out. Did I mention that the Crow-o-Matic 2000 comes with a built in waffle maker? CROW: [back to normal] Waffles? Mmmmmmm... MIKE: Sirs? [Deep 13] DR. F: That was well below average for you, just as usual. My invention, on the other hand, will reduce the brains of everyone in the world to mush! [SoL] MIKE: [sarcastically] Where have we heard that before? [Deep 13] DR. F: In the world of music, there are two groups that seem to annoy just about everyone. One: A certain group of teens with a certain song that just won't leave your head, because the radio won't stop playing it. Two: A certain group of goth rockers that have gone all out to be offensive. My genius is to combine those two into an amalgamation that will make everyone who hears them a drooling fool! [SoL] MIKE: You don't mean... [Deep 13] DR. F: Yes! Prepare yourself for ... MARILYN HANSON! [A curtain raises behind Dr. Forrester to reveal a stage. Four 12- to 14 year olds in black leather clothing and makeup resembling Brandon Lee's in "The Crow" are standing on it, playing staccato guitar chords and heavy drum rythms. The singer tries to use a really deep voice, which isn't quite successful since his voice hasn't gone into breaking. The lyrics are hard to make out, but seem go something like "mmmm-a-bop... mmmm-a-bop."] [SoL. Everyone is standing with their mouth open.] MIKE: Oh... My... Goodness. CROW: That *hurt*. TOM: That was *evil*. MIKE: But we can all agree that is was not quite as bad as the fanfic. BOTS: Yeah. [Deep 13] DR. F: [annoyed] Then, you won't mind if I send you the rest of the fanfic. Bite down hard, Nelson. [Sol. Lights, sirens, total pandemonium.] ALL: NOOOOOOOOO! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ] > > ---------------------- > > Dale is yawning as he is trying to stay awake. He sits up and > bonks himself [Mike clamps Crow's beak.] > on the head. "Got say awake." Dale looks around and > spots a bread-box truck parked a distance away in another parking > lot. The lights are on inside. He grabs the binoculars and zooms > in. > > The rounded zoomed in image show two couples in the back seat > doing . . . CROW: MMMMMPPPH!!!! MIKE: Bread. They were baking bread. That's all. > > "Oops!" TOM: Wow, those bread delivery guys sure know how to live it up! > > Dale moves the binoculars and zooms on the truck. > > Nimnul jumps out of the drivers side. MIKE: [To Crow] Promise to behave? [Crow nods. Mike releases his beak.] > > Dale almost dropped the binoculars while he reached for the > radio. > > 'CLICK.. In the NEWS today..' "Oops." CROW: Yes, it's the NEWS! Not just news, but NEWS! > > 'CLICK' "Gadget can you hear me?" > > Gadget grabs the her homemade transceiver. "I can hear you > Dale." > > "I have spotted Nimnul he's here..and he just went inside his truck." TOM: Wait! I thought he jumped OUT of the truck? MIKE: Try not to think about it, honey. TOM: [sniffling] Okay. > > ---------------------- > > "A.. work of art. It should be after all I made it ha hahaaa." > Nimnul said as he pulled the cover off a very large robot mole. TOM: Monty Mole. MIKE: Huh? > He opened a hatch inside it and jumped in. "Now time for some > serious devastation. MIKE: As opposed to light-hearted devastation? > COME ON BABY LETS DO THE TWIST!" TOM: I think this story is twisted enough as it is. > The robot > did a dance as it jumped out of the truck. MIKE: [singing] Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena... BOTS: *DON'T*! > It looked at the > building and dug it way under ground. > > ---------------------- > > "Nimnul! Come on guys, lets get to the roof!" Chip said as > they ran through the heating ducts. CROW: After getting badly singed, they decided to try the ventilation ducts next time. > > The duct shook. They stopped and Chip looked at Gadget. "What > was that?" > > There was a violent shake. MIKE: McDonalds milkshakes are getting vicious! > "It feels like a.... EARTHQUAKE!!" > Gadget yelled. TOM: EARTHSHAKER!! > > Dale felt the hole building shaking. "What the!!." Dale looked > over the edge and saw what looked like a very large mole trail > pushing the ground up as it moved underground. CROW: So the ground moved underground and was pushing the ground up? > The guards ran out of > the building. > > "CRIKEY HANG ON MATES!!" The duck shook violently and the > Rangers got banged around inside. Jonathan felt the duck giving way > from its supports. [CREAK....SNAP!] TOM: No, ducks actually go more like "quack." > The metal tube dropped down and > the Rangers slid down it like a water slide. > > Gadget was the first to fall out of the tube on to the ground. > She got out of the way as the rest rolled out of the tub. MIKE: Remember, most accidents in the home occur in the bathroom. > > --------------------- > > The earthquake stopped. "Is everyone ok?" Gadget said. > > "I guess I.." Jonathan said as another quake hit. A large > robot mole dug its way through the floor knocking over a large piece > of equipment. MIKE: They have equipment under the floor? > > "GADGET LOOK OUT!" Gadget tried to run out of the way. > 'CRASH!!' It fell on top of her. "NO GADGET!" TOM: *Now* there isn't. > Monty ran to it and > tried to lift but there was no way he could move that not even a > strong human could do it. The whole group tried. "NAAAAAERRGGGG" CROW: Way to go on the Spice Girls impression! > > ---------------------- > > The mole stopped and a hatch open. "I always said that heavy > metal would bring the house down hahahhahaaaa." ALL: [muted trumpet] Wahh-wah-wah-waaah... > Nimnul said as he > hoped out MIKE: Abandon hope, all ye who read this story. > and walked to a near by safe. He looked at it. > > "Hmmm 3 feet of titanium. Oh well." TOM: [Nimnul] Might as well give up now. > > Nimnul hit a button on his remote TOM: [Beavis] This sucks! Change it! > and the mole walked up to the > safe. A slot opened on its nose and a small ray gun aimed at the > safe. > > 'SAWWIISHHHH..' A freeze ray froze the safe door. MIKE: Great. Suddenly it's "Batman & Robin." CROW: Why am I not surprised? > Nimnul > walked to the safe and pulled out a small hammer from his jacket. > "Knock, Knock." He said as he hit the door with the hammer. The > safe door shattered like glass. TOM: Metal does not turn brittle when frozen. This statement was brought to you by the society for the advancement of actual physics. > > "Tisk, Tisk they don't build safes like that use to Haha ha > haa." He walks in. CROW: Oh, I think bad guys have always been able to open safes. > > ---------------------- > > "Gadget can you hear me!" Jonathan yelled out. MIKE: Gadget, can you see me! > > There was no reply from the wreckage. The roof started to > collapse. TOM: Nimnul wants to raid the safe, so he demolishes the building while he's inside. Makes *perfect* sense. > > "We've got to get out of here the whole place is coming down. > JB come on there nothing we can do!!" Monty grabbed him and pulled > him away. > > "NO WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HER. LET ME GO!" CROW: And now, for those who missed it, a replay of the ending of "The Secret of NIMH." TOM: Except this is not very good. > > He pulled free from Monty. Jonathan's amulet glowed bright. > Chip went to grab him but something froze him in place. JB whole > body seemed to be on fire. MIKE: [Jonathan] Hmm. Something doesn't seem right. Oh, yeah, I'm on fire. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! > > Nimnul heard what sounded like fire but something was different. > He ran into the other room. "Its those rodents... WHAT THE *HECK?*" > > Nimnul was struck with awe as he watched the strange glowing > mouse. CROW: [Nimnul] Man... I gotta cut back on my medication! > Jonathan walked to the piece of equipment like he was in a > trance. TOM: [Makes zombie-like grunting sounds] > He placed his paws on its surface. The equipment lifted off > the ground. Gadget was lying underneath it. MIKE: After having something that heavy fall on her, I wonder how much of Gadget was left. CROW: [Jonathan] Hey, Dale, get me the putty knife! > Jonathan reached out to > her and she floated towards him and was cradled gently in his arms. MIKE: I mean, Gadget couldn't *possibly* have survived that? > Gadget was also covered in the same glow as he. The equipment landed > gently on the ground. MIKE: [desperately] Not even *these* authors would do something so stupid as resurrecting someone crushed under a heavy object? > Jonathan looked towards a near by wall and > pointed at it. MIKE: [starts sobbing] Not even... Oh, my God. TOM: I know how it feels, Mike. > A fire ball formed in his hand and shot towards the > wall, blasting a hole threw it to the outside. TOM: HARUYKEN! CROW: Somehow, I don't think this is quite what Robert O'Brien had in mind. MIKE: [still sobbing] I *know*! > The other Rangers > followed him outside. TOM: So, the magic amulet can be used to save babes you have the hots for? MIKE: [holding back his tears] Looks like it. > > Nimnul saw them leaving. "NO COME BACK..'THUD'." The hole > wasn't big enough for him. "I must get that mouse! He just called > Mickey a wimp in the magic department without saying a word!! CROW: If Mickey usually does as well as he did in "Fantasia," *Rincewind* could give him a wedgie in the magic department. > The > powers he must have--I MUST HAVE IT!!" Nimnul said as he ran inside. TOM: Inside? So now Nimnul *did* get through the hole? MIKE: [sniffs] This story gets *more* and *more* stupid with each chapter. > > The glow faded away and Jonathan collapsed to the ground. > Gadget fell out of his arms MIKE: More like seeped trough his arms... CROW: She's alive, Mike. Get over it. > and rolled gently on the ground. > > "Jonathan? Gadget?" Chip said. TOM: Chief! CROW: McCloud? > > They where both out cold. TOM: The Mouse who came in from the cold! > > "Chipper we'd better get them back to the tree." Monty said as > Dale landed the Ranger Plane nearby. CROW: There is a perfectly logical explanation for why they landed somewhere else instead of flying to the tree, but we're leaving it as an exercise for the reader. > > ---------------------- > > Justin looked at the magic viewing sphere TOM: Eh, Justin, it's called a TV. CROW: Just because NIMH made the rats smart doesn't mean they're good with technology. > and watched as the > rangers pulled Jonathan and Gadget into the plane. MIKE: Previously, on The Rangers of NIMH. > "Jonathan used > the amulet and is weak, old friend, I fear for him. He may need your > help." A old mouse looked into the viewer. "Just like his great- > grandfather, always risking himself for others." > > The mouse limped away using a cane. CROW: On whom? > > ---------------------- > > "Gadget, are you ok?" MIKE: Well, apart from being pulped by falling machinery, she's all right. > > Gadget opened her eyes. "I think so.." ALL: [sigh deeply] TOM: Well, it was inevitable. > She sat up and tried to > stand. "OUCH!.. I think I hurt my ankle." MIKE: [Dale] Actually, your ankle is all right. We just had to give you new legs, arms, a new torso... We made you the six million dollar mouse! > Gadget sat down again > holding her foot. She turned her head and saw Jonathan laying there > near her. "Jonathan! Is he alright?" TOM: Oh, he burnt to a cinder trying to save you. Don't worry about it. > > "I can't tell Gadget love. It's as if he is in a deep sleep. I > tried to wake him but... nothing. CROW: [McCoy] His *brain* is gone! TOM: How did they notice? > What ever that amulet did it must > have taken a lot out of him." Monty said looking at him. MIKE: [Monty] And since there wasn't much there in the first place, that's pretty bad. > > "I think I should get some help. He might need a doctor." Chip > said as he put his hat on. CROW: [Hums the Indiana Jones theme] > > Just as Chip opened the door a old mouse knocked on his head. > "Hey!" MIKE: No, Ajax. *First* you open the door, *then* you walk through it. > > "Sorry there young one." He looked over and saw Jonathan. "I > believe I have found the right place. I'm Doctor Ages, a friend of > Jonathan." TOM: Three generations of Brisbys later, and that old geezer is still *alive*? CROW: Hey, did you really expect continuity in this fanfic? > > ---------------------- > > "Can some one help me remove his shirt." Gadget watches as Chip > helps him remove Jonathan's shirt. CROW: Wait, let me guess. Does this means Chip is helping Gadget remove Jonathan's shirt? MIKE: I think so. I'm not sure. > Gadget gaze is fixed on his > chest. Jonathan tightly fitted muscles show. TOM: [Yoda] Train you must. Patience you must have, yes? > 'He not an Arnold but > I give him a 10 anyways.' She thinks to her self. MIKE: So, he's a Chippendales Rescue Ranger. > > "Golly . . . He sure is well developed." TOM: Actually, I think he's a bit overexposed. > A small thought comes > to mind as she looks down. Like a flash she changed the channel. CROW: [Gadget] Oh, WOW! Look at his... MIKE: CROW! > > "It's the effect's of the formula. Mice and Rats from NIMH some > times over-develop, they become more humanoid." Gadget looks at > herself. TOM: [Gadget] Excuse me. Time for my hourly self-admiration. > Mr Ages opens his bag and pulls out some very impressive > medical equipment. > > "They actually make them that small?" Chip says. CROW: I'm not touching this one. > > "Who? . . . Oh I made them with some rats. MIKE: How ingenious! Advanced medical equipment made out of rats! > You wouldn't believe > how many house calls I get at times just so they can watch me use > these things." TOM: [Mr. Ages] Bunch of sickos! > He opens a eye lid and flashes a small light on the > eye. MIKE: [Mr. Ages] Ohhh... Look at the pretty colors! > > "Is his eyes dilated?" Gadget asks. > > "No." He uses a stethoscope and listens to his chest. "Hmmm..." TOM: [Mr. Ages] Well, my heart seems to be OK. Now, let's listen to Jonathan's. > > Gadget hopes over. CROW: *Our* hope's over. > "May I?" The doctor hands it over. "His > breathing seems normal. Hmmm..." She says. > > Dale yawns as he tries to stay awake. MIKE: Oh, so he's reading this too. > Chip and Monty sit at the > table sharing some cheese. A short time later. TOM: We are provided with. More sentence fragments. > > "Just like the last time." He grabs some bottles and mixes up > something for him. MIKE: The Rescue Rangers and their martini lunches. Sheesh. > > "Golly you mean that this has happened before?" Gadget says > looking at Jonathan's amulet. > > "I'm afraid so. The amulet's power is only limited by one's own > inner strength. He may one day master it. CROW: [Dr. Ages] But until then, he'll end up hurt like this every time he uses it. The strange thing is, he almost seems to enjoy it! > But until then it will > cause him to over exert himself. I'll give him something to help his > metabolism to recover. TOM: I never metabolism that I didn't like. > But he will need to take it easy for a day or > two." > > Doctor Ages gives the drink to Jonathan and helps him swallow > it. He's too weak to stay awake. CROW: No wonder, at Dr. Ages' age. > > "Now its your turn young lady, sit down and let me look at that > foot of yours." Gadget sits down and lets him work. He moves the > foot around. MIKE: Then he swung his hips and boogied on down. > "OUCH!" Gadget says. "There's no broken bones its > just swollen bad. [He pulls out a small bottle.] Here drink this; > it will help with the swelling and pain." CROW: It's a morning after pill. > > "Your a very smart lady err.." MIKE: Well, to err is rodental. > He says as he raps up her foot > in a bandage. TOM: Yo! Mc Ages is checkin' the foot, man! > > "Gadget." > > "Oh yes; sorry my short term memory is not what it used to be. > Have you praticed medicine before." CROW: [Gadget] Sure, I've practiced, but I've never actually done it. > > "Not that much I learned alot from reading." Gadget says as he > finshed with her leg. TOM: Gadget just had a mid-sentence sex change. > > "Reading is good; it's how to form young minds, not with all > this mindless human programs on TV. MIKE: Too bad the authors didn't follow this advice. > Though I do like that show with > those strange mice who are trying to take over the world. TOM: Oh, the anthropomorphic version of the Marrissa stories. CROW: *That* was an image I could have done without. > Be careful > with that foot for the rest of this week G..Gadget." TOM: Great, now the fanfic features Slippy Toad. > > "Well lets get to bed every one. We have a long day ahead of > us. Mr. Ages you can stay the night here if you want we have a empty > room for guests." Chip said as he yawned and pushed Dale over. MIKE: Chips's such a pushover. > > 'THUD' > > "Hey!" Dale said as awoke from his light sleep. TOM: Small hint to the writers: Quickening the pace of the story does not mean leaving out important words in sentences. > > "Much abliged I need to talk to Jonathan in the morning." MIKE: "I don't *care* if he's in a coma, I want to talk to him anyway." > > "This way." Dale said as he walked the old mouse to the guest > room. CROW: Hey, that's no place to sleep... Oh, the *guest* room! Sorry. > > "Gadget are you going to bed?" Chip asked. > > "Yes but I want to stay with Jonathan for a little while." TOM: [Gadget] Comatose guys just make me *hot*! MIKE: Tom... > > "There's no reason Gadget, he should be alright." Chip was > trying to find a excuse to keep Gadget away from him. MIKE: So Chip is scared of girls? CROW: Chip and Dale? I could never have guessed! > > "Chip he saved my life. It's the least I could do for him." TOM: Go to bed with him? MIKE: This is wrong in *every* way imaginable. > > Monty put his big paw on Chip shoulder and shakes his head at > him. CROW: [Monty] You had Gadget last night. It's Jonathan's turn now. MIKE: Don't you think that one was a *little* bit in bad taste? CROW: [without hesitation] No. > > "oh.. OK Gadget, good night." Chip walks away with Monty and > looks back as he turns the light out. TOM: Good thing they have electricity in the Ranger tree. > > -------------------- > > Gadget is seen sleeping next to Jonathan. He sleeps quietly > next to her as his amulet glows dimly and gives off a faint glow in > the darkness. CROW: [Gadget] 'Never happened to me before', he says! Hmph! > > In another time. In another place . . . TOM: In a lame fanfic far, far away! CROW: We wish! > > In a hurricane of wind and fire . . . > > Gadget Hackwrench is swept away . . . > > Buffeted at all sides . . . > > Shredding into her clothes . . . TOM: She turned into her own clothes?? > > Stinging her eyes . . . > > Drowning out her cries for help . . . CROW: I think the story just coughed, sputtered and died. MIKE: It did that in the first sentence. > > Feeling all hope for a way out fade . . . TOM: Oh, we know the feeling! > > Convinced that this demon wind will have her for eternity, as a > toy, batting her around like a cat too bored to eat her. > > Indeed. This would be her fate . . . had her cries not been > heard, that is. > > A arm stretched out for her, she uses all her strength to reach > it. TOM: And it's suddenly snatched away, an ethereal voice saying, "Psych!" > > The arm pulls her out of the collumn of violent air, straight > into the eyes of: > > "Jonathan--" MIKE: [Jonathan] Ow, my eye!! > > Suddenly, vertigo, a fall, Gadget realizes that she was fifty > feet above an ocean . . . CROW: Yep, cartoon laws of gravity are in effect. > > The splash shot up five feet into the air. > > She finds out that the remains of the overall that was shredded > in the hurricane was promptly removed by the impact in water. TOM: Luckily, she wasn't wearing the overall that was shredded in the hurricane. > > "Great, there goes the 'TV-Y' rating, I'm really going to get > Jeffrey for this," she thinks as she sinks into the deep. MIKE: WHAT?? CROW: Ladies and gentlemen, the first fanfic actually written under the influence of LSD! TOM: I think we're seeing things in the psyches of the authors that Man Was Not Meant To See. > Her > naughty bits are not shown MIKE: [british] Since they were *very* naughty bits for their time. > (The Disney-owned camera is treating this > in the same matter as the beach scene in "The Little Mermaid," God > bless them.) CROW: Ah-tchoo! TOM: Guys, this is pain on a whole new level. > , but as those came arms reach out for her back, it is > apparent that the elements have completely stripped her. TOM: Earth, Air, Fire, and Water being such perverts, after all. > > And she was too exausted to care over it, as two seashells > covers her breasts and is tied at the back a la Ariel. CROW: [church lady] How conveeeeeeeeenient! > > As a skirt of seaweed and palm leaves is wrapped around her > waist. TOM: This had better not be accompanied by a musical number! > > As hands carees her sides and carries her back to the surface. > To air. MIKE: Thanks for making that clear! I thought the air was below the surface. > > Gadget inhales gallons as Jonathan wraps one arm from behind. TOM: Try smoking without inhaling the next time, and maybe your fanfics won't be so freaked out. > > "We're in the hurricane's eye," he says as he paddles from > underneath. "We're safe from the wind here. Breath deeply, Gadget > Love. MIKE: Gadget Love? Isn't that a song by Kraftwerk? > I need you to float so I can carry you to land." TOM: [Jonathan] Once your corpse starts bloating with gas, I'll drag you to land. > > "i don't have much choice," she says, half-conscious, as she > lets her body go limp and listens to her hero swim to shore. MIKE: Leaving her behind. CROW: *blub* *blub* *gulp* > > Into the sandy beach, as he dragged her to dryer ground. CROW: [siren sounds] TOM: Hello? Sentence police. Are you aware that you have been driving around completely in fragments for most of this chapter? > > Once he was sure that she was safe, Jonatahan laid down on the > sand away from Gadget, who slowly opened her eyes to view the chaotic > storm that angerly rages around her, TOM: Angerly? CROW: I see the authors went to the Stephen Ratliff school of adverbs. > but unable to take over this > topical island. TOM: Why would Gadget want to take over a tropical island? MIKE: Because it would be a piece in an intricate scheme to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! > > 'Dreams have a way of being shaped by whatever's happening when > we're awake,' Gadget thinks to herself. TOM: So, what would this dream symbolize? CROW: That this is the wrong week for Gadget to quit sniffing glue. > 'This hurricane can be a > symbol of what is going on with me, and believe me there's an awful > lot: It's not just the cancelation of our series, MIKE: [Gadget] ...there's this fanfic as well. > there's the > universal turmoil over Michael Eisner's upcoming retirement. CROW: Well, I see how that would... *WHAT?* > It's > not that I blame him at all with his medical condition, I mean, after > an emergency quadruple bypass, noone should keep going as hard and > fast as he's been doing, and he still hasn't slowed down yet. Sooner > or later he's gotta do so or else he'll just drop dead where he > stands just like that baseball umpire did on opening day. MIKE: Gadget Hackwrench: Disney Corporation stockholder. TOM: If the stupidity meter wasn't broken already... > And > there's Chip and Dale being accepted into the Rescue Aid Society as > well. That means that not only will the Rescue Rangers break up, but > all chances of me going steady with either chipmunk goes out the > window, much to my sadness. I guess spending too much time on my > inventions has taken its toll. TOM: Invention toll ahead. Please pay $10. > And now, Jonathan. Who *is* this > guy? I know he's a descendant of a Rat of NIMH--actually, a *Mouse* > of NIMH--something that I *could* be myself, CROW: Remember, kids: "foreshadowing." Your clue to abominable fanfics. > but I'm not sure--how > did he pulled me out of the building? MIKE: You see, there are these extremities called "arms" which, when used together with extensions known as "hands", are capable of carrying objects... > --how did my clothes get > stripped bare . . . This 'Little Mermaid' outfit helps a bit . . . > but won't he try something . . . with me . . .' TOM: Girl, if I were you, I'd worry less about Jonathan and more about the authors! > > Her mind was racing faster than her mouth at a moment, then > emptied itself of all coherent thoughts. MIKE: Too easy. I'm not gonna say it. > She rolled her head to the > side Jonathan was at. > > He was flat on his back as well, wrearing only denium cuttoffs, CROW: Denium? Isn't that stuff that the Enterprise is made out of? > shilloetted by a sunset that blases between the horizon and the > cloudbank. TOM: The sun had entered its red giant phase, destroying the earth and the mice with it. The end. > His head was tilted away from her and his eyes were > closed. He looked rather hunky, for a mouse, but he wasn't being > threatening at all. > > "You okay, Gadget Love," he said. > > "Yeah, JB. Thanks a lot." TOM: [Gadget] It was just a *small* heroin OD! > > Gadget awoke that morring holding JB's paw in her's. He was > smiling.. CROW: Bomp-chicka-bomp-wow... bomp-chicka-bomp-wow... MIKE: Oh, please don't let them SHOW this -- *please*! TOM: I *really* think we should go now. [They leave the theater] [Interior, SoL. Mike is sitting on the floor with legs in the lotus position. Tom is beside him, floating in the air. Crow is off screen.] MIKE: Ommmmmm... TOM: Ommmmmm... MIKE: My mind is clean... TOM: My mind is clean... MIKE: Free from impure thoughts... TOM: Free from impure thoughs... MIKE: Free from this fanfic... TOM: Free from this fanfic... [Suddenly, a crashing sound is heard from off screen.] MIKE: [getting up] What's Crow up to *now*? [Mike enters the section of the satellite where Crow is. It is filled from wall to wall with... waffles.] MIKE: CROW! CROW: Oh, hi, Mike! This waffle iron you fitted me with was really great! I can make as many waffles as I want! MIKE: Crow... This has to got to go out the airlock. CROW: WHAT? MIKE: Pretty soon *we* won't have any space left for us if you keep this up! CROW: No! No! Not my precious waffles! MIKE: Get serious, Crow. CROW: Look, is Herr Mike Hitler of the Food Gestapo going to tell me what food I can or cannot make? This is a free coutry! We can choose to make steaks, pies, or any sort of food. I refuse to be discriminated because I chose waffles! MIKE: Because I give you free space on the satellite doesn't mean... Aww, to heck with it. [Mike shakes his head and leaves] MIKE: The fanfic must have gotten to him. [What did you expect? Fanfic sign actvivates, the ususal hilarity ensues.] MIKE and TOM: NOOOOOOOO! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! CROW: Waffles! [ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ] > > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > > "Jonathan?" > > The mouse opened his eyes slowly. > > "How do you feel?" Gadget said looking at him. > > "ermmmf... Morring Gadget Love... CROW: Morring? > Did I miss anything?" He > smiled. TOM: [Gadget] Oh, me and Bean just took a trip to the park, that's all. > > "Are you going to be ok?" She was still holding on to his paw. > > He noded. "Just seeing your lovely face in the morring is all I > need." CROW: Morring? > Jonathan rub her paw gently as she let go. She felt a warm > glow from her face. MIKE: [singing] You give me fever in the morning, fever in the night... > She quickly turned away. > > There was the sound of the TV running in the back ground. TOM: The TV set of Baba Yaga. > Cartoons were heard. Gadget walked out into the living room and saw > Dale watching TV. "Good morring Dale." CROW: Morring? > > "Hi Gadget. How's Jonathan?" > > "He's awake I was about to tell Doctor Ages." TOM: [voice a la Gargoyles] We came from long ago... from the Doc Ages! > > "I'm right here." Gadget saw the short mouse wave his cane in > the air he was sitting near the TV also. Gadget almost giggled at > the sight of a old mouse watching cartoons. */Some people never grow > up.\* CROW: Look! He didn't close that comment properly! Does that mean we can ignore the rest of the fanfic? > "Oh golly I'm a mess." Gadget said as she felt her hair and > walked in to the hall way. MIKE: That can easily be cured by starring in something less messy. CROW: Like "The Eye of Argon." > > "G'day Gadget." Monty said as he finshed triming his mustach. > Gadget wated on till Monty left the bathroom and went in. TOM: [Gadget] Oh, gross!! MONTY!!!!!! > > Chip walk out and saw Dale watching TV he looked over and saw > Mr. Ages checking on Jonathan. CROW: [Mr. Ages] Check! MIKE: [Jonathan] Damn! Maybe if I move my pawn... > > "Hey what a suprise. Didn't expect you here?" Jonathan said. > > "Don't you start with me, Jonathan Brisby. You used that amulet > again at full power and you know what does.." MIKE: [Mr. Ages] Do you know how much new batteries cost? > > ---------- > > "Dale, keep it here. Its time for the morring news?" Chip said > as he watched. CROW: Morring? > > "Good Morring Metro. CROW: *Morring*? > I'm Tracy Hat MIKE: I think Guinan used to wear one of those. > with the morring news. CROW: [hysterical] MORRING?? [sobs] MIKE: There, there. It's almost over now! CROW: [sniffling] Really? MIKE: No, not really. CROW: [sobs again] > First up: Police and Fire Fighters where called to the Metro's > Research Center Of Mental Health. When what appeard to be a > earthquake hit the building at around 9:45 last night. No injures > where reported. . ." MIKE: ["Tracy Hat"] And, mysteriously, no other building or resident in the city reported this "earthquake," but I'm just a dumb anchorwoman. > > "er, you forgot Gadget's swollen foot and JB's two fried hands. > I hear that amulet of yours gets kinda hot. . ." CROW: [Gadget] And so do I! > > "I know, Monty. That's why I wrear gloves." CROW: Wrear? TOM: This fanfic was brought to you by the letter "R". > > " . . . Experts say that there was no logical reason for this MIKE: Fanfic. > localzed quake and say the cause was do to faulty construction of the > bulidings foundations. . ." CROW: Yes, there's always an earthquake when a building collapses. > > Chip guffawed, "And where did we hear *that* before? Like > anyone's going to believe a mad scientist started it." TOM: [Chip] Everyone knows it was cheap, substandard construction by underbidding contractors so the city councilmen could line their pockets! > > ". . . Police have yet to come up with a estament of damage > cost. Police are also investagating the loss of chemacles which were > stolen during the incident. CROW: I think the spell checker finally gave up and committed harakiri. > NIMH, The National Institute of Mental > Health which has a contract with Metro Research Center whould not > comment on the contantes of these chemacles. But they did state that > the cheamcals are dangerus and can prove to be fatal if used. Police > are still searching for suspects in the robery. MIKE: The police are wearing robes? CROW: That would explain a lot. > There is also no > positive conclusion that this robery has any connection with the > other spree of robberiess thew out the city. TOM: ["Tracy Hat"] Never mind that they were all at places that had contracts with NIMH. I'm *telling* you there's no connection! > And in other news..." > 'CLICK' > > "This is bad." Doctor Ages said. "If the chemacles stolen are > the same that was use on us..." CROW: The entire WORLD will have no grasp of grammar, spelling, or syntax! > > "There's no telling what Nimnul will be capable of doing with > it. We have to stop him at all costs." Jonathan smaked his fist in > his hand. TOM: [Jonathan] Stupid hand! I hate you forever! > > "It's all staring to make sence now. CROW: [Glinn Gusat] Makes sense. > All the roberys. They all > had to do with NIMH. TOM: All the crime scenes had connections with NIMH, they know that Nimnul worked at NIMH, and they conclude *now* that the robberies have to do with NIMH? MIKE: Well, the characters are only as smart as their authors. > We have got to find him before it's too late." CROW: Did Lapensee and Gonterman work on the dialogue for "Resident Evil"? > > Chip got his hat and walked to the door. The others also walked > up to the door. CROW: No one will be admitted during the thrilling "walking to the door" scene! > > Doctor Ages stoped Jonathan. "You're not strong enough > Jonathan, you need more time." > > "But I got to stop Nimnul..." TOM: [Jonathan] Besides, I *like* falling into comas! > > Gadget walked in front off him. "Not you Jonathan, US. When > the time is right. Chip, Dale, Monty and Zipper will look for him." > > "What about you Gadget Love?" Monty asked. MIKE: [Gadget] Oh, me and the girls will just record a new Hole album. > > Gadget pointed to her foot. "I'll just slow you guys down. > I'll stay here with Jonathan and Mr. Ages. Maybe we can find away to > neutralize those chemacles." TOM: That's easy. You just need to know whether they're acids or bases. > > Chip was about to protest but Monty pushed him out the door with > Dale. Jonathan wanted so much to just walk out that door but Gadget > and Mr. Ages pulled him back. TOM: [Michael Corleone] I've tried so hard to break free, but they KEEP pulling me back! > > "That's our Jonathan Brisby, child," Ages quipped. "Always too > adventurous for his own good. That's how his namesake became cat > food, If I recall." MIKE: [Mr. Ages] Always had a thing for Purina. What a weirdo. > > "Yeah, Doc, sure. Like some measily flea-bitten, dumb ol' cat > can beat up a Brisby . . ." CROW: But... But that's exactly what *happened*! > > ---------- > > Gadget appeared to be frustrated. Mr. Ages looked at her. > "Don't worry your self, Gadget, not even the Legendary Rats of NIMH > could totaly figure out the formula." TOM: We're, like, totally gonna analyze this formula, 'nkay? > > "But I'm so close. All we need is one more ingeredent..." CROW: [Gadget] Eye of Newt! That's it! > > She looked at Mr. Ages, Jonathan and then she looked at her > self. TOM: [Gadget] Excuse me. Time again for me to marvel in my own beauty. I really am pretty, am I not? > "I am very immpressed by your designs, Gadget," Ages said as he > inspects her work. MIKE: Hubba, hubba! > "It is much like my own tools. You are just as > smart as us NIMH Rats." TOM: In this story, that's an *insult*! > > "Do you think so?
"Mr. Ages... This has been > bugging me for some time now ever since I heard that NIMH was apart > of all this. CROW: And now NIMH *don't* have anything to do with this? MIKE: Whoa. Now *that's* what I call a plot twist. > A old memory of my father comes to mind. His name was > Geegaw Hackwrench." > > Mr. Ages face drops and he paces around Gadget's work shop. TOM: Aaah! Watch where you step again! > Jonathan and Gadget watch as the old mouse continues to repeat his > name. Gadget remembers back long ago. > > --------Begin Flashback CROW: There, ladies and gentlemen, positive *proof* that this story was written under the influence of LSD! > > "Criky there Geegaw. Would you look at little Gadget there. She > has just sorted all the number blocks in order and she can't even > walk upright yet." MIKE: [Monty] Of course, they all say "1", but it's still impressive. > > Monty see's the look in Geegaw's face. "Ah. What is it mate?" > > Geegaw looks at Monty. "It's not natural I'm afraid." TOM: Hell, it's *certainly* not natural for people to act cleverly in this story! > > "What do you mean?" > > "It's from me . . ." > > --------End FLashback CROW: Um...okay. TOM: Well, that was certainly the most useless flashback I've ever seen. > > "Geegaw Hackwrench.. Geegaw Hackwrench.. GEEGAW HACKWRENCH!!! ALL: [singing] Normal View! ... NOR-mal VIEW! ... *NORMAL* *VIEW!* > I > remember.. It was a very long time ago. He was a young mouse at the > time.. He was at NIMH with us." MIKE: Is there anyone here who can muster enough suspension of disbelief to believe this? BOTS: No. > > With that Ages motioned Jonathan closer to him and Gadget. TOM: Motion overruled! > "There is something I haven't told either of you about our legacy: > You know that during our escape, all but two of the mice, the > original Jonathan Brisby and myself, were sucked down an air shaft. > I didn't think it was possible that any of them survided. CROW: [Dr. Ages] But, heck, if Gadget can survive being crushed by heavy machinery, *anything* is possible! > But it > looks like we were wrong! Gadget, if your father is the same one > then it would explane a lot." Gadget's mind screams back again. MIKE: We can certainly empathize with that, Gadget dear... > > --------Begin Second Flashback TOM: Again? CROW: How many hits did the authors take before writing this? > > "What do you mean?" > > "It's from me. That why she's so smart. Monty, when I was > about your age. Me and some of my friends got caught by humans. We > were put into a lab and used for testing. You can't imagine the pain > and death I saw and felt there. TOM: [Geegaw] It was like working for Disney. > I don't know what they did to me > but, there was also others. A rat named Nicodemus was able to open > his cage. First he freed all the rats and then us. We planed our > escape one night through the ventalion shaft. As we where escaping, > the fans kicked in and MIKE: ...started writing hideous stories based on our adventures. > we where sucked down. The rope that was made > got cault on to my foot so I didn't fall to my death like my friends. > When I got out I looked for the others but I didn't find them. TOM: Hmm. Could that be because they fell to their deaths? MIKE: Maybe. I'm not quite sure. > What > you see all around you, my inventions, drawings and my plane, is > because I am smart. I never knew how to do any of this untill after > NIMH." CROW: Duuuuh... Me smart! > > Monty sits back. "Are you going to tell Gadget when she gets > older?" TOM: [Geegaw] The birds and bees thing? Oh, that will have to wait a while. > > "I will when I feel the time is right but untill then... > Monterey Jack, I want you to promise me that you woun't tell her. I > don't want her to feel different from the other mice. She has a hard > enough time making friends as is." MIKE: [Geegaw] With me being her father and all. > > Monty smiles. "Don't worry mate you can depend on me." CROW: Monty, the DEPENDable mouse! > > --------End Second Flashback TOM: Thank the Lord for small blessings. > > Gadget was crying. > > "Gadget whats wrong?" Jonathan asked and rubed her shoulder. > She responed and held him in a tight imbrace. "He's was right it all > makes sence... CROW: [Glinn Gusat] Makes sense. > I.. I am different.. Oh daddy TOM: Daddy'O? > why?.. Why did you > have to die.. MIKE: Well, in a hypothetical world without aging, the mechanics of evolution would not be in function, and the creatures wouldn't be able to adapt to changing climates and environments. > Why weren't you there to tell me.." > > Jonathan holds her for a long time. His shoulder feels water > logged. ALL: A witch! She's made of wood! Build a bridge out of her! > Gadget sniffs and sits down. "I'm sorry for that out burst > there I'm usally not that emotional." CROW: [Gadget] I'm usually as emotionally dead as Scully. > > Mr Age's looks at Gadget. "There is only one way to know for > sure Gadget, if the formula is in your blood." He walks up to her. MIKE: [Hungarian accent] I will have to drink it. Don't worry, this will only hurt a bit. > > Gadget streachs out her arm. A sample of her blood is taken. > > A solution was added to the sample in a vial. TOM: Boy, you can just tell that the authors really researched chemistry to enhance the realism, can't you? > > "Now then, If the NIMH formula is in your blood, Ms. Hackwrench, > this blood sample will turn blue." > > He capped the vial. > > He shook. MIKE: Shake it, Dr. Ages! > > The blood turned blue. > > Gadget looked at it in awe. TOM: [Gadget] Damn! I'm pregnant! > > "Gadget, you're one of *us*. This is great." CROW: Join us! Jooiinn usss!!! > > "Then its all true... I'm smart because of some exparment.." > > "Not totally Gadget MIKE: But at least 99.8% pure Gadget. > the formula only enhances what you all ready > are. You where born an inventor and that is what you are, even if > NIMH did give you a little help." Jonathan says trying to dry her > tears. TOM: I feel your pain, Gadget. CROW: I feel pain, all right, but it sure isn't Gadget's! > > "Child, in you and in Jonathan our legacy continues to the next > generation," Mr. Ages adds. MIKE: The Secret of NIMH - The Next Generation! TOM: Shhh, Mike! You're giving the authors ideas. CROW: Yeah, that would give them a grand total of one. > "I am honored as you should be to have > you to be one of the Rats. Feel free to visit us over at Thorn > Valley sometime. There is much we can teach you, Gadget." CROW: [Dr. Ages] Say after me, Gadget: A, B, C, D... > > After a while of quiet between the two, Jonathan desides to > cheer up Gadget. He pulls a red marble out of a pocket and makes it > disappear and reappear several times over as Gadget watches intently. TOM: How to keep Gadget Hackwrench occupied for hours. > > "Golly, You're a magician too?" CROW: When someone finds out, please tell me where this scene came from. Thanks in advance. > > "Why, yes, Gadget," Ages said between sips of coffee. "JB here > was raised by his uncle Copper, a very famous illusionist in our > parts. CROW: He can make evidence disappear just like that and can make DNA change on the fly! > He taught Jonathan everything he knows." MIKE: Well, that shouldn't have taken long. > > Finding an empty bucket, Jonathan turned one marble into three > and let them fall into it. He then made three more appear and let > those fall in too. He did that over and over a few times. CROW: I'm Jonathan Brisby the Great and I can break laws of matter conservation as much as I want to! MIKE: It's a *cartoon*, Crow. > > "He can keep doing that until this oak's filled back up," Ages > chuckled. TOM: How to keep Jonathan Brisby occupied for hours. CROW: Filled *back* up? He already did this once and filled the oak? That's... really something. > > "There's gotta be something under that sleeve," Gadget says. > > "Oh really," Jonathan smirked as he held up that arm and pulled > the sleeve up. There wasn't even an arm there; only his gloved > hand floating in mid-air, giving a giggling Gadget the "I got your > nose" routine. TOM: Yes, it's the Amazing Lame-o! > > "Here, JB." Ages reached into his bags. "I brought your box." > He brought out that looked like a cigar box covered in dark blue > velvet decorated with stars. MIKE: But was really Inspector Closeau in an incredibly clever disguise. > "This'll keep you two occupied for > hours." > > Gadget took a look inside. Nothing. CROW: Well, that's certainly enough to keep at least Monty occupied for hours. > > But Jonathan let a spark from his fingertips fall into the box, > catching it on fire. He quickly closed the box and shook it. > > CHINKA-CHINKA-CHINKA!! TOM: Chaka Khan...Chaka Khan Chaka Khan! > > The box is now fulled with a mouse-size kiddie magic set. His > toys, he called it once. CROW: [Makes sound of phone ringing] MIKE: Hello. These are your toys speaking. Your toys are unfortunately not in at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone. > > "Wow!" > > Ages chuckled as he stepped outside for some fresh air, > wondering how the others are doing. > _______________________________ > > "He has got to be in one of these abandoned factorys." TOM: [Chip] I'm telling you! Bad guys *always* hang out in abandoned factories. > Chip > said as he looked threw the binoculars. CROW: Hey, those are *expensive* binoculars. Don't throw them! > "Zipper can look around for > us?" > > Zipper squeaked yes and flew down towards the buildings. Dale > sighed as he watched Zipper disapper. "Dale what is it?" > > "Just thinking..." Chip looked at Dale. MIKE: [Dale] Ouch! That's gotta hurt! > > "And I thought you didn't like to think." Dale looked at Chip. TOM: [Dale] I think... > > "Are we really going to leave the Rescue Rangers?" > > "Dale we have talked about this before..." CROW: [Chip] But I'm just not ready to commit right now. MIKE: CROW! CROW: What? The authors have already established that Chip is scared of girls. > > Nimnul is sitting at his control panel. There's a flashing red > light. He presses a button. A monitor displays the Ranger > Wing. TOM: How nice! Security cameras aimed at the sky. > "It's them... I knew sooner or later they would come. Well I > have a little something wating for them. ALL: Ewwwww! > Let the games begin! Hah > haaa hahaaa..." CROW: There's something funny in there somewhere, but I'm *not* going to look for it. > > Dark clouds from in the sky above and there is the sound of > thunder. "Crikey! Talk about your freak weather..." Monty said > looking up. > > "There was nothing in the news today about rain. OH [BLEEPED BY > THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY] MIKE: Gaaaah! TOM: I really wish they'd stop doing that! > Nimnul must be using his weather maker!" > Chip yelled out. TOM: Sure! "The weather report was wrong! Nimnul must be using his weather maker!" > "Dale we got to land now! Nimnul will barbaq us if > we don't." CROW: Nimnul will bareback the mice? MIKE: Ugh. That's just *wrong*. > > Dale landed the plane. "Chip I think that out burst just blew > away the TV-G rating to a TV-14." CROW: Well, I've got some [bleep]ing [bleep] for you to [bleep] if you think you can make your [bleep] show TV-14... MIKE: Calm down, Crow. CROW: I'm just saying that would never happen to us, that's all. > > Chip pulled Dale out of the plane. "Now's not the time..." > > CRACKLE.... > > "RUN!!..." TOM: Snap and Pop are right behind them! > > BLAM!!!! The plane exploded into tiny flaming pieces and the > Rangers got blown away from the explosion. ALL: [cheer] > > The Rangers moaned as they slow stood up. ALL: [boo] > Dale looked at the > small fire where the Wing once was. "Gadget's not going to like > this..." CROW: Actually, I think she rather likes it when her life's work is destroyed. Sheesh. > > Zipper zoomed to Monty and squeaked to him. "What's that > Zipper...Crikey!.." "What's he saying?" MIKE: He's saying "squeak"! Didn't you hear? > "He's found Nimnul and a > bunch of Rats" The Rangers ran into the buliding. TOM: Moo, moo, moo, moo, mooo! MIKE: What? A homesteader has fenced in the waterhole? > > Shortly they ran into a big, very big room. The walls where > covered in cages full of Rats. Dale looked around. "Talk about deja > vu!." CROW: Well, since Dale wasn't at NIMH, we can only conclude that he has seen rats in cages somewhere else. > > They see Nimnul sitting in a chair looked at some monitors. > Chip looked. "Maybe we can free these Rats look for a lever." TOM: A lever that will open all doors at the same time. Yes, I can see the use of that. Do they have a self destruct button at NIMH as well? > They > quietly walked by Nimnul. Nimnul pressed a switch and turned around. > A trap door opened and they feel in. "Hello!! So nice of you to > drop by HAHAHAAAAA." ALL: [muted trumpet] Wahh-wah-wah-waaah... > Zipper flew away. Nimnul smiled as he saw the > fly zoom away. "Come back soon!!!" Nimnul said. "Yes my plan is > working perfectly. TOM: [Nimnul] I just allowed my arch enemies to send a rescue party! It's working perfectly! > Once that new mouse arrives, he will give me his > amulet for his friends and I will become the most powerful human > alive!!! I will have my revenge on NIMH and the WORLD!!! HAHAHAHA!" CROW: [dully] Ha. Ha. Ha. > _________________ > > ". . . While I was out traveling the country seeking fame, > fortune, and females--I used to date a lot trying to find the perfect > someone whom I can call my 'Minnie.' I haven't gotten any luck, but > I must say, MIKE: That's the spirit! Keep the words not coming. > I find you very much like the one I'm looking > for." CROW: Ugh. Please, not the romance subplot again! TOM: [retches] > > Gadget blushes. > > "Well, I was in the mid-west, where I found a young boy, oh > about 13 years, trapped in a fantasy world of his own imagination. TOM: Um... This is not going to involve the writers, is it? MIKE: Let's play to our favorite deities it won't. > A > rabbit costume much like this tiny one in my hand, held him in > bondage inside that state of perpetual separation from reality. MIKE: Not. A. Word. TOM: Oh, dear Lord Eris, *please* let this not involve the writers. > > He crushes that tiny costume in his hand. CROW: I'm crushing your head! Crush! Crush! > > "I defeated that bunny suit and freed the young man back to > reality. . ." TOM: I though the Maxx was the bunny in a man suit, and it was Julie who got brought back to reality? MIKE: Just give it up. > > When he opened his hand back out, a bird sprang out and took off > for the outside, passing an oncoming Zipper coming back in. > > ". . . it took some doing, David was awfully shy. TOM: Okay. Let me get this straight. Did the author just write himself into the story in a bondage bunny suit? MIKE: Er... Yes. TOM: Thanks. [Tom's head explodes.] > He eventually > got the ability to reach out to the world when he got an America On- > Line disk--eh?" CROW: Oh, he's *gotta* be kidding! MIKE: [coughing] I wish Tom would stop doing that. The theater gets so full of smoke. > > "Zipper! What's going on? Where's Chip n' Dale n' Monty? Slow > down will you? We can't hear." CROW: I mean, AOL don't give out accounts to 13-year olds, do they? > > But the housefly's frantic hand signs were too rapid to > dechiper. CROW: AOL can't really be *that* money hungry? > > Jonathan cupped a hand under Zipper's chin and looked right into > his eyes. CROW: [desperately] AOL wouldn't *possibly* let anyone *this* immature on the... Oh, my God. [starts sobbing] MIKE: I know how it feels. > As Jonathan spoke quietly at him, Zipper's rapid breathing > slowed down, his eyelids began to relax, as did his limbs. He > buzzing were softer and more legible now. MIKE: I see the Amazing Lame-o has a hypnotism bit too. CROW: [still sobbing] Make Zipper act like a chicken! > > After a while of this, Jonathan set Zipped gently down on the > sofa. The housefly appeared sound asleep. He turned to Gadget and > Ages with a stern look on his face. CROW: [sniffs] Just be happy it wasn't on his Private Parts. MIKE: I see you're back to normal. > > "They're in trouble. Nimnul's got them, as well as all the > missing rats. Like I said, he wants to take credit for the NIMH > formula." > > "Nimnul would try to take credit for the crack of dawn, if he > could." CROW: Dawn is a plumber? > > "I wouldn't care less about that kooky professor's material > success, or any other human at this time, for that matter. All I'm > concerned about is rescuing my friends and my people, much like my > great-grandfather did." > > "I think it's the perfect time to beta test my new invention..." CROW: Chip and Dale have been captured by a mad scientist and are in mortal danger. It's the *perfect* time to use unfinished and unreliable equipment! MIKE: I think we should get out of here and get Tom going again. [They leave the theater.] [Interior, SoL. Mike is working on repairing Tom Servo. There are now waffles almost everywhere.] MIKE: There, that should do it. [As Mike finishes screwing Tom's head back on, Tom wakes up with a jerk and begins to fly aimlessly around the screen, screaming like a madman.] TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAGH! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NO! MIKE: Relax, Tom. TOM: NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAGH! MIKE: It's over, Tom. The fanfic can't hurt you any more. [Tom stops flying] TOM: [much calmer] Really? MIKE: Not really. But I'm pretty sure it can't get any worse. TOM: [resumes flying] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! NOOOOOOOO! TURN ME OFF! TURN ME OFF!!! MIKE: [to Crow] Has Tom ever been like this before? CROW: Only once. I think is was during... [The Mads light starts blinking. Mike presses it.] MIKE: Great, now Madame Medusa and Sloops are calling. [Deep 13] PEARL: It seems my son has a little announcement to make. Why don't you tell them what you have in mind, Clayton? [Pearl drags Dr. Forrester on screen by his ear.] DR. F: Ouch! I'm, I'm sorry for... OW! I want to apolo... apogo... PEARL: [pulls harder on Dr. Forrester's ear] Spit it out, Clayton! DR. F: YOW! I'm really, really sorry for the fanfic that I sent you. It was -- OW! -- much too evil for me to handle and I should never have sent it to you. PEARL: There, now was that so hard? Now, go to bed and you'll get no supper! DR. F: [quietly] Yes, mom. [SoL. Tom has returned to normal.] TOM: [hopefully] Does that mean we don't have to read the rest of it? [Deep 13] PEARL: You've got to be joking. Just because it's too evil for my son doesn't mean it's nearly evil enough for me! [She presses a button.] [SoL. Lights are flashing, buzzers are buzzing.] ALL: NOOOOOOOOOO! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! TOM: I have a feeling I'll grow up to really hate this woman. [ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ] > ___________________________ > > A pair of backpacks were tied to Jonathan and Gadget's backs. > Each pack had a hose connected to an arcade game looking gun. CROW: Red and blue plastic? > > "These air blasters spray out a quick hardening glue that can > stop anyone in there tracks. Unless they untie there shoes.. TOM: Well, *that* sounds like a great invention! > That's > just a small problem. It should buy us enough time." Gadget smiled. MIKE: That was one loud smile! > > "Ready, JB?" Gadget started the engine on the Ranger Mobile. > > "It's show time." JB gave her a thumbs up. CROW: Up where? > > The Ranger Mobile wheelied out of its garage at top speed and > zipped out to open road. > > "Rescue Rangers Away!!" TOM: Mastadon Lion Thunderzord Power! > The two mice shouted as they traveled > side-by-side after Zipper, who was leading them to the building the > others were trapped in. CROW: So Gadget, who can barely walk with her foot, and Jonathan, who just woke up from a coma, are coming to the rescue? MIKE: I think to. I'm not quite sure. > > Mr. Ages walked out of the tree and waved his cane in the air. > "Hey what about me!!" He grumbled and walked in the same direction. CROW: Lethargic Mouse to the rescue! > > > _________________________________ > > TOM: The *exhausting* pace of this fanfic is leaving me breathless. CROW: Hey, I actually liked this part! > Chip awakes with a moan. "....oh my head what happened?" MIKE: Someone put a brain in it. Don't worry, you'll get used to it. > He > looks around but his friends aren't there. Chip walks up to the edge > of the cage and looks threw the bars. "DALE? MONTEREY?" TOM: KANEDA!! CROW: TETSUO!! > > "Hey mate over here." Monty waves behind a cage. "Chip? Chip > I'm right here." Dale waves from another cage. MIKE: What is the sound of one hand waving? > > "Are you guys ok?" Chip yelled out. "Besides this splitting > headache. I'm fine." Monty said from his cage. Dale nodded also. TOM: SLEEEP! > > Nimnul walks up and looks at Chip threw the bars. "Ah, so the > leader is awake." He looks at the other two cages. "And your > friends to." Nimnul looks at Chip. "Your not going to stop me this > time." TOM: [Blofeld] We meet again, Mr. Chip... > > Chip yelled out something which to Nimnul was just some squeaks. TOM: So, Nimnul's arch enemies are rodents he doesn't even know are intelligent? MIKE: Not exactly the most threatening villain, is he? > > "Well to what ever you said thank you." Nimnul walks away from > the cages. "I suppose your wondering what I am up to. If you > haven't figured it out all ready. Well I'll tell you anyways..." MIKE: Yes, he have "bad-guy-reveals-everything-before-getting-his-butt- kicked" scene! > He > looks at the cages with rats. "All of you." CROW: No! Please don't! > > "It started a long time ago. I was young I had hair MIKE: ...dinosaurs roamed the earth. > and a job at > The National Institute of Mental Health. NIMH as people call it > today was having money problems. My instructor Dr. Smith who was the > head of the team was under a lot of pressure. TOM: There's too much pressure! Oh, the pain! The pain! > The team cut corners > to save money and acquired animals for testing, most of which died. > There was hope. We were on the verge of a break threw. Project "Get > Smart." they called it....." CROW: [Nimnul] Our plan was to see if Nick at Nite reruns affected IQ. > Nimnul talked for a long time explain > what happened. MIKE: If he's explaining the story, he has my sympathy. > "When the heads found out about the missing rats. We > where ordered to destroy all the animals and the formula itself. I > knew that such a formula could help me change the world. TOM: Nimnul must be stopped! He'll cure brain cancer and mental illnesses otherwise! > So I tried > to steal it." Nimnul face looked angry. "Those fouls! MIKE: NIMH is headed by skunks? TOM: That would explain a lot. > They locked > me away in a mental institution. But soon I will have the formula > and I'll show them ALL!." CROW: Mad scientist's speech provided by Edward D. Wood, Jr. > Nimnul pressed a button and a robot hand > came down and grabbed a rat out of a cage. "Don't worry this won't > hurt much." TOM: [Nimnul] It's only a brain transplant! Quit whining! > Another arm came down with a needle. > _____________________________ > > The robot hand did its business with a very ungrateful rat CROW: Is this a dirty line or is my mind in the gutter? MIKE: Your mind's in the gutter, Crow. > and > unceremoniously threw him in Chip's cage. > > "Damn that guy! I hope there's a cat big enough to eat him . . . TOM: [Chanting] Please, let this not be a Lion King crossover. Please, let this not be a Lion King crossover. > Hey, aren't you Chip?" > > Another rat joined in: "Yeah, you're Chip, from the Rescue > Rangers. Humph, looks like you need rescuing yourself dude." CROW: You know, that line was almost... witty. MIKE: Crow, I think the fanfic has finally pushed you over the edge. > > And a third: "Hey guys, check it: We've got a Disney Toon in > our midst! Welcome to Bluth-land!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" MIKE: You know, there actually is one in Japan. TOM: What do they do there? Lock visitors in cages and force them to watch "Thumbelina"? > > By now Chip was feeling read in his face. TOM: [Chip] I *knew* I shouldn't have slept face down in the newspaper again! > > A fourth rat were gossiping with Monty below. "No kidding? [Out > loud] Hey guys!! These are the ones Jonathan was sent to!! JB's > with them!!" MIKE: "We're doomed!!" > > "Jonathan Brisby's a Rescue Ranger?!? No wonder the show got > canceled!!" TOM: Nice to finally see some introspection from the writers. CROW: Have you already forgotten the bunny suit bit? TOM: What bit? > > "He's gonna bust us out!! Paaaaarty!! Woof-woof-woof-woof!!" MIKE: Tom, I apologise for telling you that this fanfic couldn't get any worse. TOM: No! I won't forgive you! > > "Excellent!!" A pair above chip played an air guitar like Bill > and Ted. ALL: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!! TOM: MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT *STOP*! CROW: This fanfic is *evil*. > > The first rat returned to Chip. "You guys are with the Briz?!" > He gets into a worshipal kneel and shouts "We're not worthy!" like > Wane's World. TOM: So, let me get this straight: the NIMH formula which was supposed to bestow increased intelligence and problem-solving abilities on the rats in reality turned them into a mob of rodent versions of Beavis and Butthead? CROW: Aah, science! > > "Jonathan Brisby? Ain't he's supposed to be dead?" MIKE: YES, but no one told the authors! > > "I THOUGHT WE TOLD YOU TO KEEP THAT REJECT QUIET, BRUTIS?!?!" TOM: [Scotty] Captain, she canna take it much longer! The punctuation generators are overloading, and I'm running out of capital letters! > > Chip asked, "Who was it you wanted quiet?" ALL: THE AUTHORS! > > He was answered by a rousing chant ringing in his ears: MIKE: Ommmm... TOM: Ommmm... CROW: Ommmm... > > "THROW OUT THE BRAIN!!" MIKE: I'd be happy to! If I did, this story wouldn't hurt me. Are any of you two programmed to perform brain surgery? CROW: Nope. TOM: I am, but my arms don't work. MIKE: Darn. > "THROW OUT THE BRAIN!!" CROW: I just had the strangest sensation -- as if pure terror went shivering through my spine. MIKE: Crow, you don't *have* a spine. CROW: I *know*! That's what's so strange! > "THROW OUT THE BRAIN!!" TOM: You know, if David Gonterman and Paul Lapensee had half a brain each, it would be quite an improvement. > "THROW OUT THE BRAIN!!" CROW: [hysterical] ENOUGH ALREADY! > > Suddenly, the big headed Warner Brother's famous lab mouse is > sent sailing the full length of the lab to the roar of the crowd. CROW: Forgive me. I wish the chanting had never stopped. > ______________________________ > > When Nimnul got beaned with the mouse, even more shouts of > approval came from the rodents. MIKE: He scores! And the crowd goes wild. BOTS: [dully] Yay. > > "HEY!! How did *you* get out? I don't care if you *do* come > from one of our competitors, MIKE: Since when did Nimnul become a Disney employee? TOM: Well, he certainly acts as if he was in Disney's legal department. > you're going back in your--" > > It was at this point where Nimnul opened the door to the lab, > only to find it taken over by the rats. One of them found an > electronic organ ALL: Ewwwwwwwwwwww! > and is playing it like it was in the Aneheim Pond. ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! > Four rats have made tazers out of pain-inducing equipment TOM: Hardcopies of this fanfic? MIKE: Now, *that's* cruel and unusual punishment. > and were > playing Doom in the maze, with Pinky dressed up as Mickey as the lone > monster to hunt and harass. CROW: This is *so* much more than I ever wanted to find out about the writers' fantasies, thank you very much! MIKE: Ah, how I long for the carefree days of "Enterprized"... > A white mouse that looked like Mickey > himself after a dip in talc TOM: Ross Perot is back -- and this time it's personal! > was giving the play by play while a line > of several lady rats were doing cheerleader routines. CROW: Was this bit supposed to be the comic relief? > And all around > were almost 50 rats, mice, chipmunks, gerbils, and other various > rodents running amuck like the Warner Brothers, breaking stuff, > defacing notes, learning how to program the laptop, MIKE: In other words, a totally normal school class with a substitute teacher. > and in general > dedicated on making the life of their captor a living hell. TOM: Along with us! MIKE: [chanting] I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration... > > Nimnul tried for one full minute in a futile attempt to return > the rodents into their cages, but they already found out how the > latch works and they get out almost as fast as they were put in. TOM: Isn't it a bit dumb for NIMH to use locks they *know* the rats can pick? CROW: Yes, folks, NIMH are really *that* stupid! > However, he didn't realize this folly until a rodent in a black > leather jacket was giving him the Andrew Dice Clay Mother Goose > routine on his nose. CROW: Mike, did the authors finally go off the deep end? MIKE: I hope to God they did! If any sane person could produce this... ALL: [shudder] > > "Ye Cats. I underestimated these rodents. There so human-like, > it's scary. Not to mention having developed wicked senses of humor. TOM: "Wicked." Yeah, that's one word for it. CROW: "Mind-bogglingly dumb" would be more appropriate, though. > ALL RIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH! BACK IN YOU CAGES!" > > There was some booing and a rotten tomato hit Nimnul in the face. TOM: The rotten tomato! Every serious research lab must have one! > > "Oooo... TALK ABOUT ASKING FOR IT!" Nimnul grabs his aging ray > and aims it at Chip. "All right, who wants to see what the leader of > the Rescue Rangers would look like a hundred years from now in human > years." CROW: I don't think anyone would notice. Chip and Dale are over 50 already! > > A rat yelled. "That would be cool " Another rat knocked > him over. MIKE: Mr. Nameless Rat, please met Mr. Nameless Rat. TOM: [Nameless Rat] How do you do. CROW: [Nameless Rat] Pleased to meet you. > Like a very restless audience they started to quiet down > and climb back into there cages. TOM: Because that is just the thing a very restless audience would do. > > "Good stay that way. Once I take over the world. I send you > rats to a remote island... after all I can't very well destroy what I > helped create." CROW: No, Nimnul, you can! TOM: And you can do it really soon! Just END THIS FANFIC! > > Nimnul clean the control panel and sat down only to have a > whoopee cushion go... MIKE: I know this brand of humor! Lapensee and Gonterman wrote the script for "Ace Ventura 2," didn't they? > _______________________________ > > The Ranger Mobile rounds a corner on it's rear wheels. > > "Hey Gadget," Jonathan nudges his partner's shoulder, "are you > going to wheelie all the way there?" CROW: [Gadget] Well, once I get the cast my foot is in off the accelerator, things will get better. > > "Oops! Sorry." MIKE: [Gadget] You can drive with *four* wheels? Gosh! > > Gadget sets the front end down, finally, to show a building > rising in the distance. Zipper was pointing to it. > > "There they are, Gadge!" CROW: Either the authors are signaling that Gadget and Jonathan are close enough friends now to call each other nicknames... TOM: Unlikely. CROW: ...or they just misspelled Gadget. TOM: *Very* likely. > > "We've gotta be careful about this point. MIKE: Yeah, we wouldn't want a plot point to occur or anything. > Professor Nimnul's got > as many tricks up his sleeve as you do." > > "You told me. A weather making machine, hypnotic music boxes, > more robotic hands than Doctor Octopus, what next? TOM: [Gadget] I'll never sit next to him in a dark theater again! > Giant stone > creatures with wings? [Jonathan notices a huge shadow from above.] > Speak of the devil . . ." CROW: Don't, you'll summon the authors. > > Gadget looks up. "Oh him! That's no Gargoyle. That's David > Zanatos, Disney's new go getter. He gets in a cool-looking Gargoyle- > like suit of armor and fly around every other day. . . MIKE: Standard procedure among Disney executives, I believe. > I think I can > make one for myself . . ." TOM: Yes, but for God's sake *WHY*? > ______________________________ > > Nimnul spots the Ranger Mobile from his binoculars about the time > that Brain was shoved in the Doom maze in Minnie's polka dotted > dress. CROW: The Brain... in Minnie's... polka dotted dress? MIKE: [pounds head on floor] This is not happening. [pounds head on floor again] This is not happening. > It was about that time that three more rats joined in the > hunt saying that they will punish the two heretics who commit > copyright infringement most foul. TOM: Well, it's about *time* someone punished David Gonterman and Paul Lapensee. MIKE: [thump] This is not happening. [thump] This is not happening. > > Nimnul's prancing around at his discovery catches the notice of > Chip, who temporarily peeled himself off a pretty rat in a string > bikini to report. TOM: [Chip] Sorry. I thought you were Dale. MIKE: [thump] This is not happening. [thump] This is not happening. CROW: Stop doing that, Mike. You'll ruin the floor! > "I think Nimnul just spotted JB and Gadget!! > They're coming!!" CROW: Wow, their relationship sure went far! MIKE: [gets up from the floor] Hey! I may be weakened, but I'm still watching you, Crow. > > The mob cheers in gladness "J-B-J-B-J-B-J-B" MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big hand to the godfather of funk! CROW: [singing] Ain't no drag -- Papa's got a brand new bag! > > Monterey turns to Brutis, who started a cheese raid party to > climb Nimnul's fridge right behind his back. MIKE: Wait a minute. Wasn't Brutus the guard who tried to chop Ms. Brisby in half? TOM: I think so. MIKE: So, how much sense would it make for him to go on a cheese raid party? TOM: About as much sense as the rest of this fanfic. MIKE: Oh. Thanks. > "I do hope they'll take > their time. I don't want to miss the cheddar--yummers!!" CROW: Hey, that's characterization! What's it doing in this fanfic? > > Brutis nods in approval, while Dale can be seen with twins over > his shoulder. MIKE: Oh, no! It's Schwarzenegger trying to make a comedy! BOTS: NOOO! > > One of the pair speaks to the other, "Y'know, Kei, I wonder if it > was wise to leave such a hunk like JB with Gadget?" > > "Yeah, Yuri. I wouldn't be surprised if the two were found in > bed together at least once up to now! " TOM: Great. Now I think *we're* tripping, too! CROW: I feel ill. > > At that Dale shot upright with a "WHAAAAT?!?" but is promptly > subdued into his original shrooming mood by the two tickling rats. > "I could get to like this.." CROW: Ratstock, 1969! TOM: Groovy! > > Nimnul shoos away enough rats to safely activate the weather > making machine. The Dice Clay mouse went to give him the bird but > Nimnul zapped him. "A TV-PG is enough!" MIKE: This fanfic is NC-C -- Not suitable for children under the age of 100. > ____________________________ > > Jonathan peers ahead with Gadget's homemade binoculars. "I just > spotted a guy. Old, Bald, Short and Nutty. He's riding . . . a > cloud?!" MIKE: [Jonathan] Like, cool. Pass me the bong again. > > "That must be Nimnul. He knows we're coming, I guess." > > "Jeez, leave it to Disney to want a Nutty Professor with a Care > Bear fetish. CROW: Please, take this story to alt.sex.plushies where it belongs! TOM: And what would *you* know about that? CROW: What, me? I only read it for the articles. > Wait a minute, he just pulled a leve . . ." > > Jonathan's voice was temporarily drowned out with a sound of a > freight train from behind the two mice. TOM: Only temporarily. As we all know, mice are usually louder than freight trains. > > "Twister!!" MIKE: Right arm on red! > > "Gun it Gadget!!" TOM: Always obedient, Gadget shot Jonathan in the head with a .44 Magnum. The end. > > "Golly, they make one movie on tornados, and *everybody* wants in > on the act!!" CROW: Well... There was "Twister," and then there was... this fanfic, I suppose. > > "RIGHT!! . . ." ALL: LEFT! > > The tornado throws whatever it can grab at the tiny hair drier > driven car. CROW: Do they mean the Ranger Mobile? MIKE: Maybe. I'm not quite sure. > > "Yeah, even The Walt Disney Company--LEFT!!" TOM: Big surprise there... > > But Gadget shows off her excellent driving skills as she dodges > the falling debris like an Indy champ, just as a Gargoyle-like suit > of armor falls just inches behind the back bumper. CROW: It only fell inches? Doesn't sound threatening to me. > > The suit removes the helmet to expose a face too familiar to Star > Trek fans, as Zanatos yells, "NIMNUL!! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR > [CENSORED] FOR THIS!!" MIKE: [Zanatos] Your censoring will have a big footprint in it, you betcha! > > Gadget remains transfixed on getting to her destination alive. > "I think the worst is over, JB." MIKE: I hoped the worst would be over too, but every time I did so, THE FANFIC GOT WORSE! CROW: Easy, Mike. I don't think it gets worse than this. > > "Normally Gadget Love, I'd agree with you, but Nimnul icing up > the driveway ahead of us is greatly influencing my judgement!!" > > One final falling chunk of debris--"So *that's* what happened to > the ThunderZord" ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! CROW: You were right, Mike. The fanfic *got* worse. > --shatters to the ground in front of the Ranger > Mobile, just as the front wheels reach No Traction Land. TOM: Hi, you have just reached No Traction Land. Anything to declare? > > "And me without an E-Ticket--WHOOOOOOAH!!" > > The car spins out of control, goes up some sheet metal like an > air ramp, flies through a window and lands on Pinky and the Brain in > the Doom maze. CROW: Whatever. Just *end it*! > > "Whoo!! Definitely an E-Ticket!!" MIKE: More like a speeding ticket. May we please see your license and registration? > _________________________________________ > > "Golly!" Gadget said as she looked at all the cages. Jonathan > looked also. "So that's what happened to the missing Rats." TOM: Missing rats? There were missing rats? CROW: We interrupt the story for the latest plot development... > > "Gadget, JB over here!" Chip yelled from a cage. The two mice > hopped out of the maze and climbed up to Chip. TOM: Weren't Gadget and Jonathan badly injured just some chapters ago? MIKE: The authors just don't care, and I don't either. > > "Chip are you all right." Gadget asked. > > "I'm fine and so is the rest of us." He said. Jonathan looked > at him. CROW: Whoa! Something almost happened there! Let's slow the story down with scenes of the characters looking at each other. > > "Not to worry we'll get you out of here." > > Nimnul saw Jonathan when he entered the lab and ran for the robot > hand machine. CROW: The Hands of... TOM: [Interrupting] Don't finish that sentence! > > "JB LOOK OUT!" Chip yelled. > > Jonathan and Gadget sees the approaching robot hands and starts > firing with their glue guns. MIKE: [Gadget] Let's hope the robot doesn't untie its shoes! > Within minutes, the entire robotic hand > machine was rendered inert by the glue clogging up the joints. CROW: The machine which runs on bongs. > Unfortunately they haven't noticed two human hands from behind. TOM: Unfortunately for whom? I'd be *glad* to see this end. > > Nimnul grabs Jonathan with his chubby hand, and brings him up to > his face. Jonathan was squirming and cussing him out in mouse > squeaks. MIKE: He's like R2-D2 -- they just can't stop using the bleeper on him! > > "Jeez, young man, such language," Nimnul scolds him. TOM: Oh yeah? Well, squeak, squeak, squeak to you, too! > "You'll > never make it into Disney with a mouth like that! And to think > you're the next Mickey Mouse!" MIKE: ...would be an incredibly stupid idea. > > Jonathan responds by biting the index finger. CROW: Aw, Bite me! > > "Ow!! Why you little!!" > > That made Nimnul ease his grip, and JB squirms out of his hand. > He stands on Nimnul's fist in a fighting stance, TOM: So, Jonathan escapes from Nimnul's hand to Nimul's fist. Okay. > his amulet glowing > bright red. > > "THAT STONE AGAIN!! You're the mouse I've seen before!! Give it > to me!!" > > Nimnul grabs Jonathan in his fist. MIKE: And the two shake hands. > > "I'll give it to you, all right . . ." > > The amulet's power sears into the hand, setting it on fire. CROW: This is almost an action sequence! Let's add a lot of paragraph breaks so that it doesn't get too exciting. > > Naturally, the professor is screaming in pain. ALL: Naturally! > > He lets Jonathan go, a good three feet in the air. CROW: As opposed to three bad feet in the air. > > Gadget screams as she sees him fall. > > Jonathan ignites a smoke bomb below him and falls into it. TOM: Yes, *that* will soften the fall! > > The smoke spills into the floor and disperses, not revealing if > anyone has hit the ground. MIKE: I don't think "What you don't know won't hurt you" can be applied to this particular situation. > > Gadget races into the fog to find the body, but her groping > around wasn't successful. CROW: ...since she was accused of sexual harassment. > > Until she finds her lips caress a warn nose. Almost instantly > her face feels that warm glow. MIKE: Of too much cheap gin. TOM: How could she be feeling around and not know he's there until she practically bites his nose off? > > "Why Gadget Love, I didn't suspect you to be *this* romantic." ALL: Ewwwwwwwwwww! > > She falls into her arms, relieved that he's still alive, as the > fog disperse to reveal the two. TOM: David Gerrold's 'The Mouse Who Folded Herself'. > > ------------------------------------------------- > > The was kissing noises from Dale's cage. The fog clears and Dale > is seen covered in lip stick. ALL: Ewwwwwwwwww! TOM: First Chip is scared of girls, now Dale's a transvestite. I *really* hate this fanfic. > "Boy and I always thought Foxglove was > the only one who wanted a piece of me." MIKE: I'd settle for his head myself. > Chip on the other hand was > trying to get the rat off ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! > of him so he could see what just happened > with Gadget and Jonathan. > > Nimnul coughed in the smoke as he searched for something. The > smoke cleared and he turned to see. All the rats, mice and chipmunks > are standing in a army fashion. MIKE: Military gear looks really nice on rodents. > In front of them was JB and the > Rescue Rangers leading. JB's amulet glows like a spotlight on the > professor. CROW: Shouldn't Jonathan be burnt out by now from using the amulet? MIKE: You're assuming this fanfic has something vaguely resembling continuity. CROW: Sorry. My mistake. > > Strangely, the mouse can now be heard speaking human English. > "Professor Norton Nimnul, my name is Jonathan Brisby a descendent of > *THE* Jonathan Brisby from NIMH. TOM: Are you *the* Jonathan Brisby? CROW: No, I'm *a* Jonathan Brisby. Don't you know I come in six packs? > And in the name of the RATS we will > punish you." > > Everybody looked at him, as one large drop of sweat falls off his > cheek. "I.. I couldn't think of anything else." TOM: What a surprise. > > Nimnul took one look at Jonathan and was rolling on the floor in > laughter. "Get a load of this, A hot shot rookie mouse thinks he can > take out an established Disney Character, and with what? A line from > some Japanimation show and an over-glorified hot glue gun?!" CROW: [Jonathan] Hey! That was the only thing the authors could come up with. > > PHUT-PHUT!! MIKE: Forthefunofit! > > "Weeeell, we can tryyyyyy..." > > Nimnul eyeglasses were covered with glue. TOM [Nimnul]: D'oh! That didn't go well for me at all, did it? > > At first he laughs, despite being blinded. "If you intend to > make it an 'TV-M,' mouse, you meed to pack more than just glue . . . MIKE: [looking at both bots] Not a word. > now where's that CD to wreck the whole city and every mouse in it > to--WHOOOOAAA!!" CROW: Please! I thought we *burnt* all Hanson CDs already! > > Nimnul just slipped on the thousands of red balls that Jonathan > was making to appear machine-gun style. As he was falling, his pants > were ripped off him by a well-placed hook. He was wearing heart- > dotted boxers underneath, but . . . CROW: Nimnul almost revealed *his* secret of NIMH there! > > "Whoa!!" Jonathan shouts. "We almost made that rating there!! > Who-whooo!! I think we should quit before we *really* get into > trouble!!" TOM: Then, I think you should have quit during the first chapter. > > With the last bit of determination he had left, he manages to > grab the one remaining vial of plasma by-product and starts to run > out of the lab with it and his life. CROW: Why would Jonathan do such a thing? MIKE: I think "he" refers to Nimnul. > "Behold The Secret Of NIMH and > now it's MINE!!!--OOOFFF!!" > > That's when he ran into a brick wall, in the form of a Commander > Riker look-alike CROW: It's Libido, with his special friend Thanatos! > in a Gargoyle suit walks in the lab, not looking > happy in the least. > > Nimnul was in shock. TOM: [Nimnul] No! Anything but Commander Riker! > > "whoa . . . it's Zannie . . . heh-heh." Jonathan started his > Bevis and Butthead impression. "Zannie's cool . . . Can I be in your > gang? huh-huh-huh . . ." ALL: [cringe in their seats] TOM: Kill him now. Please! > > Zanatos grabbed the short professor and grabbed the vial from his > hand and looked at it. "Correction, the secret is now the property > of Xanatos Enterprises. TOM: Wasn't his name Zanathos? MIKE: Whatever. I just don't care any more. > I did buy out NIMH a long time ago but I was > short of this one prize. Also there is the small madder of the my > cracked windshield in which your tornado caused. TOM: I would just like to point out that the grammar here beats most previously known records for awfulness. Thank you. > > "Oh gosh . . . I'm sorry, Mr. Zanatos . . . sir . . ." CROW: [Nimnul] I didn't know Gargoyle armors had windshields! > > "heh-heh-heh huh-huh," Jonathan continued his Bevis and Butthead > impersonation. "You want me to kick his tail for you, sir?" MIKE: You know, in some warped sense, this is a fitting finale to the rest of this fanfic. > > "No, rodent." Oblivious to the fact that he just addressed a > mouse, Zanatos cracks his knuckles. "That won't be necessary." CROW: [Zanathos] Mostly because he doesn't *have* a tail. > > He then proceeds to take Nimnul aside to beat the living snot out > of him as the lab subjects walk unchallenged out the front door and > back to their free lives. TOM: The end. Thank you, you've been a great audience. > Off in the distance, Brooklyn can be seen MIKE: The Rangers of NIMH is shot on location in New York City. > in his part-time job as a night-time aerial photographer for the > news. TOM: [desperately] How much longer *is* this thing? > He videotapes Zanatos dragging this short scientist out and > performing what the Gargoyle thinks is a Killer Instinct 2 Ultimate > Combo... CROW: ...but was actually something from "Brutal: The Paws of Fate." > > Xanatos picked up the professor. TOM: Is it Xanathos or Zanathos? Feel free to make up your mind any minute now! > "You now work for me > UNDERSTAND!" > > The battered professor nodes. "Is this a promotion Sir?" MIKE: [Zanathos] Let's see... You're a thief, you're performed nothing useful in your life, and you have no moral concerns whatsoever. How does CEO of Disney sound to you? > > "Considering your talents where wasted on trying to rule the > world when I all ready do. Yes..." Zanatos jet packs kick in and he > flies away carrying Professor Nimnul by the foot who screams in the > air. TOM: Gee, Nimnul sure has loud feet! > > Pinky and The Brain look around. "There gone, now's are chance > to get back to the lab and prepare for tomorrow night." CROW: [Pinky] Egad, Brain, what are we gonna do tomorrow night? MIKE: [The Brain] We'll GET US OUT OF THIS FANFIC! > > Pinky looks at him. "And I thought we where going to Disney > land." TOM: Ladies and gentlemen: The one line in this fanfic that is *almost* in character. Enjoy it while it lasts. > > "No Pinky, there too powerful. Especially that Jonathan Brisby." > > "But he's not a Disney Toon, Brain." > > "No matter. We must plan quickly before they buy not only him, > but eventually the rest of the world." CROW: I think it's MicroSponge you should be afraid of, Brain! > ___________________________ > > "What?" Chip said as he cared his lugged to the door. TOM: Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined all miss takes. > > Mr. Ages smiled. "I spiked the vial. Nimnul got the naturalized > formula instead, its worthless. MIKE: [Mr. Ages] But it still managed to become a U.S. citizen. > I used Gadget's blood as the final > ingredient and it worked." CROW: [Mr. Ages] With all the drugs in it, there had to be something there that worked. > > "Golly that's means now we can recreate the formula for others > and make the world a better place for animals." MIKE: Yes! Let's turn the world's animals into braindead Beavis and Butthead-clones! > Gadget said looking > at Jonathan who had his arm around her. > > Jonathan smiled. "In time Gadget love." MIKE: Awww! The romance scene! Isn't it cute? CROW: You're right. It isn't cute. > > Chip looked around. "Come on Dale are ride will be here soon. > > "I'll be out in a minute Chip." Dale grabs the last of his > comics TOM: They're *graphic novels*! > and stuffs them into his luggage. He finds a picture of > Foxglove signed by her and looks at it for a short time. Dale turns > it over and stuffs it ALL: Ewwwwwwwww! > with the rest of his things. > > Monty is at the door and helps Dale carry his things. "Crikey > Dale what do you got in here the whole fridge." MIKE: [Dale] Oh, no! Just the freezer. > He carried it to the > door. > > A seagull lands on the branch. > > There's a knock at the door a Chip opens it. Chip and Dales eyes > widen. TOM: More thrilling walking-to-the-door scenes, everyone! MIKE & CROW: [dully] Yay. > > "Clarice!!" CROW: [Falsetto] Flip!! > > A female chipmunk around their age stands there smiling she fully > dressed with a R.A.S. logo on her shirt. "Hello boys long time no see." TOM: Well, at least we were warned about this one, unlike the rest of this chamber of horrors. > > "Come in." Chip and Dale almost trip over themselves letting her > in. MIKE: [sarcastically] I just love this fanfic's wacky madcap slapstick sense of humor... CROW: Yeah, Lapensee and Gonterman have a future writing gags for the next Cris Farley movie. > > "Chip, Dale you know her?" Gadget asked curiously. > > "She is an old friend Gadget. TOM: [Chip] I've replaced her with a newer friend gadget. > Clarice use to be a nightclub > singer. We use to hang out together." Chip looked at Clarice. "So > this is where you ended up at. I didn't know you joined the Rescue > Aid Society." CROW: And you're looking good for a 50 year old squirrel! > > "I have always been with RAS, that other job as just for spare > money. When I heard that you guys where accepted, I wanted to be the > one to help you out. We're going to be a team." She smiled. ALL: [Hum the A-team theme] > > "Great, Clarice! I can't wait to get started." Dale said giving > her a wink. Chip saw that a stood in front of him smiling at > Clarice. TOM: A *what* stood in front of him? > > Jonathan rolled his eyes as he watched them. Gadget whispered in > his ear and Jonathan laughed. > > Monty helped with the luggage and tied it to the seagull. MIKE: Jonathan Livingston Seagull? > "Well, > that's the last of it, mates." > > Chip and Dale shook the hands of the Rangers (Minus 2 but Plus 1) CROW: I get the feeling the authors got the same grades in math as in English. > and walked up to Gadget. > > "Gadget. Dale and I want to say some before we go." TOM: No! Just get the hell out! > > "Ya.." Dale sniffed. ALL: [Minnewegan] Yaaaaa! > > "We both love you Gadget and we are sorry for fighting over you." > Chip said. Gadget had tears in her eyes and hugged them both. TOM: Have you cuddled your tears today? > > "I know... I want to give you something before you go." Gadget > said. Chip and Dale looked at each other. CROW: Huh huh... Mouse nookie! MIKE: Crow... Oh, forget it. I'm too emotionally drained. > Gadget grabbed Dale and > kissed him for a short time. She then kissed Chip. TOM: [Chip] Ewww! Disgusting! > "Take care of > your selves and remember to visit." > > "We will." The chipmunks hoped on the seagull and waved as it > took off. MIKE: They had to, since the seagull forgot to flap its wings. CROW: That will happen when you fly with ValuBird. > Chip and Dale watched the tree get smaller as they flew > away. MIKE: [Chip] Dale! Stop playing with Nimnul's shrinking ray! > > Gadget looked at Jonathan holding both paws. "Jonathan, are you > going to stay after all we are short handed now?" TOM: [Gadget] With my fingers being chopped off by the machine falling on me and all. > > "Gadget's right mate. MIKE: As opposed to Gadget's left mate. > You'd make one heck of a Rescue Ranger > with your magic." Monty slapped him on the back. TOM: What magic? The whole ending was so LSD-laced that I have no idea what was going on, but I'm pretty sure that the amulet had nothing to do with it! CROW: Maybe he means Jonathan's lame amateur sleight-of-hand tricks? TOM: What good are THOSE? "Halt, evildoer! Pick a card, any card!" > > Jonathan looked at them. "All these years I have been looking > for a place that I could call home..." He looked at the tree. "And > I believe I have found it." > > "Well then mate CROW: [Jonathan] What, right here? > welcome to the Rescue Rangers." > > Mr. Ages walked out carrying his medical bag. "Well it looks > like my job is done here." MIKE: [Ages] You'll get my bill in the mail. Hope you have... insurance. Muahahahah! > > "Golly, your leaving. We where hoping you would stay." Gadget > said. TOM: It's not that he's particularly useful to the Rangers, but no one makes a better morphine cocktail than Dr. Ages. > > "Thanks for the offer Gadget but the Rats need me. I'll be > seeing you JB. You know where to find me if you need me." MIKE: In the geriatric ward. > Mr. Ages > said. > > "Yes I do old friend and take care." JB shook his paw. CROW: [Jonathan] Damn wristwatch keeps stopping all the time! > > "Watch your self with that amulet you hear." Mr. Ages said as he > left. TOM: [Jonathan] I will! Oh, I just love looking at my own reflection in the amulet. > > Jonathan waved and look back at Gadget. "Well I guess there is > only one thing left to say guys." MIKE: T-t-t-t-t-t-hat's all, folks! > > They came together. "RESCUE RANGERS AWAY!!!" CROW: Shoo! Away with you pesky rescue rangers! > > > The End. MIKE: I just felt as if a 10 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. > > Visit the FoxFire Studio Web Site > http://users.aol.com/dgonterman > > Home of the Jonathan Brisby Shrine. MIKE: And dropped back on me again from a skyscraper. CROW: This guy has a *web page*? > > "You can unlock any door if you only have the key" > --inscription at the back of JB's Amulet CROW: And just *how* does this relate to what happened in the fanfic? MIKE: The same way "The Secret of NIMH" and "Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers" relate to this fanfic. > > David Gonterman > Paul Lapanse TOM: Wasn't his name "Lapansee" last time? MIKE: All this and you still care about spelling? > > > MIKE: And that about sums up what was good about this fanfic. [They leave the theater.] MIKE: Whew. I'm experiencing a sense of relief I haven't felt before in my life. TOM: Me too. I thank the Heavens that this one is over -- and I mean that from the bottom of my CPU! CROW: Yeah. The authors took something good and decent and turned it into something too twisted and perverted even for me! TOM: I never thought I'd say this, but this one was worse than "Manos"! MIKE: Crow, I notice the waffles are gone. What did you do? CROW: Oh, I just fed them to Gypsy. It's amazing how much that woman can eat. MIKE: Gypsy? Uh-oh. [The Mads light flashes and Mike taps it.] [Deep 13. Pearl and Dr. Forrester are wading in a waist-deep sea of waffles.] PEARL: You hurry and clean this mess up, Clayton, or I'll ground you for a year! DR. F: [Weakly] Yes, Mom. PEARL: I'm going shopping. When I'm back, this place had better shine! [Pearl exits.] [Dr. Forrester turn towards the camera and looks at Mike and the Bots.] DR. F: I'll get you for this. [SoL] TOM: Oh yeah? What are you going to do, send us "The Rangers of NIHM 2"? [Deep 13] [A grin forms on the lips of Dr. Forrester. He starts snickering, and before long the snickering turns into an insane, echoing laugh.] [SoL] TOM: Oops. [Deep 13] [Still cackling like the Crypt Keeper, Dr. Forrester presses the button.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- \ | / \ | / \|/ ---O--- Fwshhhh! /|\ / | \ / | \ [To be continued...] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers, The Secret of NIMH, Pinky and the Brain and everything related are owned by their respective copyright holders. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on David Gonterman or Paul Lapensee. Ending "Fwshhhh!" swiped from Adam Cadre's MiSTing of "The Eye of Argon." > The Ranger's where flowing a leaded of break-ins.